PSYCHOANALYSIS...

I attended a stress management talk today and participated in the relaxation exercises that the inmates were taught. I've always wanted to see whether it was effective and whether it would work for me (it was especially challenging because of my blocked nose and my constant sniffing and scratchy throat).

You can try it too:
1) Close your eyes and put a scene where you felt calm and peaceful in your head. Just immerse yourself completely into the scene as if you were actually there.

2) Engage every sensory organ in this visualization. Feel the surroundings, smell the air, listen to the sounds.. and just be.

3) Don't allow any other worrying thought, or anxiety-provoking idea enter and focus upon that picture. Focus on it, till you feel like you're really there.

What picture did you see? For most of us, we will envision a sunset, a walk on the beach or jetty, or a stroll in a park near a lake. Water seems to have a calming effect on most people. I envisioned all 3 and it brought back such vivid memories, I teared. I know at those points of time, I was truly at peace, yet it was difficult to bring the same effect back to me when I was so conscious of the fact that I was in another place, at another time, hearing metal doors slamming and feeling the cold hard seat on my back and butt. So I guess I failed the exercise.

But it works for some people. I guess I need to learn to swtich off my mind sometimes. It may sound delusional, to imagine such things, but it works to give the mind a rest. And I know my brain needs rest badly.

I don't like Ashlee Simpson that much, but there's this one song I find interesting:

Beautifully Broken
It seems like yesterday that my world fell from the sky
It seems like yesterday I didn't know how hard I could cry
It feels like tomorrow I may not get by
But I will try, I will try
Wipe the tears from my eyes

I'm beautifully broken
And I don't mind if you know it
I'm beautifully broken
And I don't care if I show it

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart...

Psalm 51:17a

Fighting the Losing Battle...

Everyone around me is falling sick or sick already and I'm surprised I lasted that long. Seems like a trend for me to fall sick every 4 months, or every change of the season.


Anyway, this picture was taken before I left for Canada. The guy behind me is a Singapore Idol Finalist and I used to love listening to his band play before he joined the competition. It's a pity they can't perform anymore. And the guy next to me is my long time church friend who sings well too. They inspire me!

Randomness.

Me and my sis at this chillout place called Loof. It's one of those rare occasions I wore a skirt! Well, Loof was nice. Interesting concept but drinks are pricey! Actually, come to think of it, compared to Canada, any alcoholic drinks here are pricey. hah.

Took this on my way to work two weeks ago. Clouds were looming and there was a storm after. It's been like this for quite some days actually. Raining in the morning followed by a super hot afternoon. No wonder there are more cases of dengue fever... So it actually isn't THAT safe in Singapore as well.

I Think God Can Explain...

The scent of vaseline in the summertime

The feel of an ice cube melting over time

The world seems bigger than both of us

Yet it seems so small when I begin to cry

It's alright, I'm ok

I think God can explain

I believe I'm the same, I get carried away

It's alright, I'm ok

I think God can explain

I'm relieved, I'm relaxed

I'll get over it, yeah

When I can't get it right...

Truth be told, there are times when I wished I was at another place, at another time, with another person or other people, doing something else than what I am right now. Discontented? I don't think so.
It doesn't mean I don't appreciate what's happening to me now and what's happening around me. Cos I've learnt not to take that for granted as well.

I guess it's just signs of human nature showing that we know that there's always something better out there. That's what drives us forward.

But there are moments where I feel that I've driven myself backwards, into a state of oblivion. And I have to climb forward, through a difficult and long road that is hidden in fog, and midst, covered in doubt. Doubt that I will ever find myself back to where I would have been, doubt that I will find that something better.

But I cling on to hope, and faith. "Now faith is being sure of what you hope for, and certain of what you do not see" Heb 11:1 By faith, Abraham became the father of all nations, though his wife was barren at 99. By faith, Moses led the Israelites out, against all odds, out to their promised land. By faith, I must find my way through this. I'm stubborn enough for that.

For now, I pray. I pray that my hope will not be forgone and my prayers be heard. Maybe I'll find light on my path once again.

Desensitization.

I've been given my first ever assignment since I started my stint two and a half weeks ago. Finally. I'm really relieved about this because it keeps my mind occupied on something other than what it would have been occupied with.

I haven't been really feeling myself sometimes during my attachment here recently and many things seem to have been popping up that just sucks the life out of me. At times, I do feel like an empty shell walking around and nothing really registers. But I do make an effort to experience the things around me, it just takes more effort on my part, and that really exhausts me.

But these are the times when I really appreciate my family for their understanding and comfort and their patience with my constant mood changes.

I've been doing research for my little project and I've been reading many interesting materials about therapy and therapeutic methods. I never knew that Eye movement techniques were actually that recognized as a valid CBT technique. It's really hard to imagine why tracking eye movements can bring people to overcome their phobias. Maybe if I did it to myself for insects I
could actually start being a pestbuster in my house. haha.

What came to me as interesting was that therapy techniques have such a diverse range (and sometimes even contradictory) that you can't say for certain which will work on who. It all boils down to what theory you think is applicable to the person in question. That's the challenge facing therapists. To know theories of mind and behaviours so throroughly that they know at the back of their hand which one would be useful for whatever situation.

So for example, to treat a person with depression, could constitute more than just giving the poor guy trial dosages of anti-depressants (my grandmother was a victim of this and she never really found out how much of which anti-depressant worked for her. Half the time, she was like a zombie). It could mean asking the guy about childhood trauma, or uncovering and making him/ her aware of what distorted thinking he/she has, or just giving the guy meditation techniques to focus on the pain he suffers and the sadness he is experiencing.

What I find fascinating about these meditation techniques is that they allow you to focus on the present moment. For that instant, you rub out everything in the past, everything in the future and focus on the present. It's actually quite calming just thinking about how that would come
about.. One of the meditation stance is actually like that of one in deep prayer. And I think that reflects the deep spiritual nature of such a techinique. It brings you to the core of your problem, the core of yourself and from there, you work on the client.

Maybe focusing on the pain/problem/hurt more also helps desensitize you to it. Keeps you habituated to the situation. Like Pavlov's dogs, or Sniffy. More exposure to the hurtful stimuli makes you less prone to responding to it in the long run.

Such technical jargon. I'll keep it simple then. If you keep running away from your fears and pain, you'll never adapt to them. You must face them, maybe flood yourself with images and exposure to them, and maybe thereafter, find yourself responding more functionally to them.

Desensitization.

Ever since I embarked on my attachment to Singapore Prisons, I have done lots of soul-searching as Mr Simon calls it, and many of my beliefs, attitudes and ideals have come into question.

I've always appeared confident of my choice to do this job, but there are times when I've wavered and wondered whether I would be able to take the intensity, the crazy working hours, the constant questioning and revising my beliefs.

But there are some things that don't change.

I really want to help themhelp themselves. And I really want to help myself in the process. It's also a really challenging experience to be thrown point blank into a situation where you only have this split second to make a wise and sound judgement on what to do next. Because that's how it is as a prison officer. Always on the go. Situations arise out of the blue and you have to react and respond in the most appropriate manner. Someone shared with me today about how a prison officer helped me through his troubles within prison and also his problems outside of the prison walls with regards to his family, just by showing him appropriate concern and listening to him when he needed it. It really warmed me up and really encouraged me to think that I may really make this difference in someone's life in the future. I might not be able to help every single one of them (depending on whether they wanna help themselves) but i do know i made adifference to that single one. Just like the starfish story! Cliche, but so so true.

And as I involve myself in one day of prison psychology work, I'm more sure it's something I wanna do in the future. Not just for the Prison inmates themselves, but also for my own learning. It involves assessments, therapy, group therapy, programme, research. Just basically everything that I would wanna dwell in to see what I'll be more interested in.

Maybe the sun is starting to creep in...

But the clouds still linger.

Heard this song on my ipod just today and I never even realized I had it. It's such a typical love duet but I think it's really sweet. I used think that lyrics alone make a good song but then I realized that wouldn't make it any different from a poem or a prose passage. Then I figured maybe music itself constitutes a good song, but I've heard good melodies but really trashy lyrics. So the songs I really appreciate now are those that have music that speak with the lyrics, whether it being contradictory as of a satire, or whether complementing the message in the lyrics. I think this song really sings and sounds like it means. NIIICCCEEE.

When You tell me that You love me
I wanna call the stars down from the sky
I wanna live a day that never dies
I wanna change the world only for you
All the impossible I wanna do

I wanna hold you close under the rain
I wanna kiss your smile and feel the pain
I know what's beautiful looking at you
In the world of lies you are truth

And baby every time you touch me
I become a hero
I make you safe no matter where you are
And bring you everything you ask for
Nothing is above me
I'm shining like a candle in the dark
When you tell me that you love me

Rainy days used to hold such comfort for me. I would dwell in the calmness before the storm, and soak in its atmoshpere pregnant with such expectancy.

Yet, these days, they only remind me of the perpetual rain that comesafter, and the dirty aftermath after the rain passes.

Maybe, not too long down the road, I would appreciate the sunshine, that creeps in slowly after the storm, and maybe even be blessed with a rainbow.



And then, the cycle will begin again.


I have been reading Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen. I must admit, it's not the easiest read, but it's striking how the characters, formulated so long ago, still relate to me now, centuries later. I think I oscillate between the two heroines of this book. Sometimes, I think like Elinor, and sometimes, I feel like Marianne. I initially started out relating completely to the Elinor who represents the 'sense' aspect, but more and more, I see the two sides residing within me, Marianne's 'sensibility'seems to allow her to experience more completely, although leaving her so vulnerable and making her appear so flighty.

I've always been quite an idealist, maybe sometimes bordering on impracticality. But it doesn't mean to say I'm not practical, I can acceptwhen people choose to do practical things, and heck, even I do practicalthings sometimes instead of stubbornly following my ideals. But it does leave me more cognitively dissonant, and also more prone to hurting. I guess my physical body reflects my mental health well. I bruise easily. heh.

I remember watching 'The Mexican' before I left for Canada on my exchange,under the urging of my friend who constantly rebukes my idealism and saysthat I'm too naive for my own good, and who keeps reminding me that I can'tsurvive in the world like that. He told me he likes the show a lot and thatwas surprising to me, because I like it a lot too. Maybe he likes it cos of the pretty Julia Roberts, but i know i like it because it touches certain ideals that I hold. The movie is also not any typical romantic comedy moviethat most people label as trashy. For a Hollywood movie, i think it achieves it's purpose of reflecting the balance of ideals in reality. And maybe, underneath all the cynicism, my friend does relate to those idealsto a certain extent. I find it even more so after what he shared with me after i returned to Singapore. We are but passengers on the same boat.

"Samantha [Roberts]: I have to ask you a question. It's a good one so think about it.
If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together,when do you get to that point of enough is enough?

Jerry [Pitt]: Never. "

"Samantha [Roberts]: Real emotion transcends language Jerry. You don't have to understand their words to feel their pain. "

--- Quotes from 'The Mexican'

But yeah, after all that's been said, a movie is still what it will always be, a movie. It's rare to find such stories in real life. I acknowledge that, but in the meantime i still clutch on to my ideals, and I know one day I'll find out whether it was worth all the while. Maybe it ends up that it won't be worth my time and cause me greater harm and pain but I take comfort that maybe then, I would have learnt for the better.

I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See a liar that burns within my needing.

How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I'd screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.
-- James Blunt, Tears and Rain

Similarities.

Still water runs deep.

The world's a stage.... but life's no dress rehearsal.

And I'm nothing but a little girl facing a huge world pondering the things around me.

it hurts to know how much a little decision can make such a huge impact in one's life. One seemingly insignificant choice, yet resonating so greatly in one's life. Consequences that last through a lifetime. Consequences that leave scars in one's life, in one's soul. That leave little room for hope to bring one through the torture of pain, hurt, rejection and isolation. Tears that will not stop coming for along time to come. Memories that will never be renewed and that will painfully fade away. Memories of good times, of times spent with loved ones.

The butterfly effect.

The medium of communication so harsh and so cruel. So final. The message so bleak, and so unavoidable. So easy for one to believe that the life in the past never was what it used to be, and that the life in the future will never be the same. It makes it so easy for one to forget that it didn't use to feel like that before. But the pain overwhelmes it all, the past, the present.


"If you prick me, do I not bleed?" (Merchant of Venice, Shakespeare)

"Above all else, guard your heart" (Proverbs, Bible)

But one must go on. There's no other way to go. MOVE ON. Only time will tell, only time will heal wounds. Even if it takes a lifetime.

That's the similarities I see.

I'm currently on attachment at Singapore Prisons so don't expect me to be updating much! I'm under a confidentiality agreement so I can't say what's happening around here :X

I have been sleeping at 9-10pm and waking up at 5am (which is healthy i guess) but that would mean i'll be rarely online so if anyone wants to meet up with me or anything, sms or call! I'll call you guys back when I knock off work (we aren't allowed to bring cellphones in) and we'll see what we can do.

PS: I doubt I'll be partying much these hols since I feel sleepy the moment its 9-10pm. haha.