little girl, Big World

Saturday, December 31, 2011

She walks tentatively toward the mirror. She gasps at what she sees. Where she saw perfection before, was replaced by jagged scars and exposed tissue. People who pass her by take the opportunity to take a jab at her - without a second glance, without sympathy. She cannot ward them off. There are too many, they are too overwhelming.

- abstract from some random story

I realize what is more paralyzing than fear is the lack of hope. What happens when there is nothing to look forward to? What do you hope for this year? Or rather, where does your hope lie?

Friday, October 07, 2011

I saw an old lady carrying a heavy bag with her on the train today and reflected on how when I was in Primary School, I also carried a huge bag with me just so I wouldn't forget any textbooks or workbooks for the lessons that day. It was like an unspoken competition then to see who could bring the heaviest bag to school.

Then came secondary school and I remember trying to bring as little books as possible home, and left them in school, so that I could carry a lighter burden. It was the same in JC as well. And in university, I was grateful to have to carry nothing besides a pen and paper to take notes (or just a laptop).

Now at work, it seems the burdens have grown and I wonder whether I would also reach the same stage as this old lady, where I would be lugging a heavy burden with me.

It made me think about happiness and security. When was I most happy? When was I most secure?

I wish emotions could be easily compartmentalized. I wish my heart could be bigger so that it could hold more. But the sense of betrayal is overwhelming.

Such brilliant Oscar Winners. Would you celebrate short term goals or long term victories? In this case, it has already been won. So what now?

Let's say there was a little girl, and from the time she could understand, she was taught to fear... let's say she was taught to fear daylight. She was taught that it was her enemy, that it would hurt her. And then one sunny day, you ask her to go outside and play and she won't. You can't be angry at her can you? Estella, Great Expectations

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

What a childish statment.

I think we are horrible judges at what we need and what we want. Often, we
think what we want is actually a need, and what actually is a need becomes
a want.

We take so many things for granted. Especially things we need. And I'm glad
that God made these things that we need inherently harder for us to
manipulate. Because given a choice, we would, to get things that we want.
Sometimes the desire of something we want clouds our sight on all other
things that we need.

I'm thankful my heart beats on it's own, without my need to intervene
directly, and my nose and lungs work together by themselves to fuel my

I'm thankful that He sustains me, through countless ups and downs, through
darkness and loss.

These are what we need.

What makes it different from what we want?

We want more money, we want to feel comfortable, we want people not to
disappoint us, we want people to make us happy all the time, we want to be
better than others.

Sure, these things can relieve us. But for how long? They become a
relentless pursuit, a 'chasing after the wind.' When everything else fades
away, what is left? What do you place your hope in when everything else
fails you? Including yourself?

Ah. That's what carrot cake and coffee does to you.

I sit watching the world go by
Wondering when it is my turn?
I hold my breath, like punctuation, everything holds still.

I wait.

He approaches, extends a kind hand to me.
So does another. And another. And another.
I look at my own hands, and stretch them out.

Much better to give than to receive.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Munching on muesli as I contemplate on the weeks that have passed.

"Families are God's miracles"

More and more, I see how this is true. It's not just the miraculous beauty of family relationships, family love and family support that rings true, although this should never be understated. But I see truth in this statement from the perspective that it requires certain supernatural or divine help for any family to stay together.

To find forgiveness for a family member or spouse who has done the most dastardly thing.

To find acceptance from a family member or spouse or self-acceptance from family who expect the world of you.

To accept a family member/spouse for who he or she is, knowing that they might never leave up to your expectations that only God can live up to.

Essentially, to love them unconditionally, without strings attached, without conditions of having them love you the same way back.

You don't choose your family members. We're just put together by the will of God. And I think that's what makes it so special.

And some may think that we choose our spouse. To a certain extent I agree. But I think the choice is more in the choice to love your spouse and not so much the choice of the person (although the latter choice is also important - I'm just saying that more emphasis should be placed on the learning to love your spouse part).

From the moment you said your vows and made this sacred covenant with him/her and God, you have set the rest of your life with him/her. To love, to comfort, to honor and keep him/her, in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him/her as long as you both shall live.

It's interesting how a church wedding (at least for the Anglican weddings I've seen) has a part where the congregation will be asked to uphold the couple in marriage. It's a powerful expression of how family does not hold itself together on its own, and God and His people play an important role to support families.

She couldn't have said it any better - in a sex-obsessed world [or insert any other expression you think of the world/society] today, it is increasingly difficult to maintain one's values and principles by sheer self-will power. What support do you have?

Oh! Finished half a box of muesli. Signal for me to stop and sleep.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

This is tragic.

Raising your voice theatrically, nitpicking and finding faults. That was not the purpose - Give an alternative. A workable alternative. Not just accenting your words with weird intonation.

Listening was a torture in itself. Watching was like Greek tragedy unfolding. Winced at every weird syllable uttered. Ouch.

The big HOW is left unanswered. Get your act together.

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

Why does it feel like I've been given a stone and a snake?

Excerpt from 'Finding God in Unexpected Places'

Not so long ago I sat in a restaurant and listened to yet another variation on a familiar theme (referring to the Parable of the Prodigal Son). A good friend of mine whom I'll call Daniel confided that he had decided to leave his wife after fifteen years of marriage. He had met someone younger and prettier, someone who 'makes me feel alive, like I haven't felt in years.'

Daniel, a Christian, knew well the person and moral consequences of what he was about to do. His decision to leave would inflct permanent damage on his wife and three children. Even so, he said, the force pulling him toward the younger woman was too strong to resist.

I listened to his story with sadness and grief. Then, during the dessert course, he dropped the bombshell. 'The reason I wanted to see you tonight was to ask you a question. Do you think God can forgive something as awful as I am about to do?'


Here is what I told my friend Daniel, in a nutshell. 'Can God forgive you? Of course. Read your Bible. David, Peter, Paul - God builds his church on the backs of pepole who murder, commit adultery, deny him, and persecute his followers. But because of Christ, forgiveness is now our problem, not God's. What we have to go through to commit sin distances us from God - we change in the very act of rebellion - and this is no guarantee we will come back. You ask me about forgiveness now, but will you even want it later, especially if it involves repentance?"

Several months after our conversation, Daniel made his choice. I have yet to see any evidence of repentance. Now he tends to rationalize his decision as a way of escaping an unhappy marriage. He has rejected most of his Christian friends - 'Too narrow-minded,' he says - and looks instead for people who celebrate his newfound liberation.

To me though, Daniel does not seem very liberated. The price of his 'freedom' has meant turning his back on those who cared about him most. He also tells me God is not a part of his life right now. 'Maybe later,' he says.


As George MacDonald put it, we are condemned not for the wicked things we've done, but for not leaving them.

George MacDonald's got another great quote:
"Man finds it hard to get what he wants, because he does not want the best; God finds it hard to give, because He would give the best, and man will not take it."

It's like deja vu all over again.

Breathe, just breathe. And let it go.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Heart is bursting at its seams.

Help overcome my unbelief.

I really love church weddings. Or particuarly, Anglican church weddings.

The bond and covenant of marriage was established by God in creation, and our Lord Jesus Christ adorned this manner of life by his presence and first miracle at a wedding in Cana of Galilee. It signifies to us the mystery of the union between Christ and his Church, and Holy Scripture commends it to be honored among all people.

The union of husband and wife in heart, body, and mind is intended by God for their mutual joy; for the help and comfort given one another in prosperity and adversity; and, when it is God's will, for the procreation of children and their nurture in the knowledge and love of the Lord. Therefore marriage is not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently, deliberately, and in accordance with the purposes for which it was instituted by God.

Reverently, deliberately and in accordance with the purposes for which it was instituted by God.

Alongside, and then as one.

It's such joy to witness such a grand occasion.

(Then why would you prefer to enjoy some activities with some others and not her? Why do you alienate her?) Hope I can mend this and heal.