Farewell, goodbye.

The tears I would have shed for you have run dry, leaving only that vague memory of pity and sadness. Don't consider what would have been or what should have been because where you have found yourself today was your own doing. I don't even think I can feel sorry for you anymore, because I know that it's always by choice that one finds oneself in the circumstance.

I've done what I can and only hope that some where in the distant future, when you have sobered up and purged yourself of the poison, that you will understand what purpose you have in your life.

or maybe, I'm the one who needs to sober up?

A matter of Convenience

My sister once pondered over the concept of friends being people who just mutually take advantage of each other. I didn't like the sound of that but thinking about it, I've come to conclude that I probably am a friend of convenience. Maybe that's why I rarely have friends whom I can recognize as having followed me through a long period of time.

I think people see me as a friend for the moment. Or maybe I make myself to be that way. I have friends who come up to me to 'fill in' their time. Or when they need financial help. Or when they cannot find anyone else to meet. Or to fill up the numbers. It hurts, but I think I've more or less gotten used to it.

It's telling in one's actions to see whom they feel closer to by observing who they gravitate towards. When there's a dissonance between words and action, I go for the action first. Action speaks louder than words. It's not what they say, but what they don't say. So please don't humour me. It only serves to bring more pain. Don't say thank you just cos I'm filling in the space. I don't think that's right.

"The biggest difference I can see is that city people always think that this year has got to be better than last year. If they don't get a raise, acquire something new, or find themselves somehow better off, they think they're failures. Farm folks look at things a bit differently. We know there are going to be good years and bad years. We can't control the weather. We can't prevent a bad crop. We can't control sickness So you learn just to work hard and make up your mind to take what comes."

--> Terry Muck

Wow. It's been more than a month since I last posted. My final final exams are over, and I'm now slogging myself half to death in some thing everyone sees as unnecessary and uncalled for. Well, that's me I guess. So stubborn I rather try till I die before I admit defeat. In one month's time, i'll be bound to Korea, and I'm still looking at whether i can do a solo trip somewhere in the world. Just me, myself, alone. Ah. Brilliant.

It hurts. Really does. Because memories don't fade into oblivion so quickly. Especially those that you ruminate over and over again in your mind. Those that you have thought about so many times, you probably would have distorted and exaggerated them whilst replaying them in your head. Sometimes, we add too much significance to an ordinary event, that we blow things out of proportion. Or maybe it's more accurate to say that I do that. That pang of sadness and regret is so familiar to me. The cringe of 'I-should-have-known-better.'

It's ironic how women are so insecure, no matter how much on the surface they seem so confident, and so high up there. It doesn't seem too long ago he told me she felt insecure and I just couldn't believe it. She had no need to. She was eloquent, fashionable, big-hearted, creative, and just plain sophisticated. I've always thought I paled in comparison, always felt like the dirty-faced clumsy tomboy next to her.

Problems, problems, problems. When does one decide it's time to move on? When will it be fair to others? Leaving to me always felt like a sign of giving up. But no, it can be a way of moving on. How do we tell the difference? I think the consequences of them leaving is more than they grasp, and its irresponsible. When is it their selfish desire speaking and when is it God's? I don't know. Truly, who am i to judge? We wish them well? I have to think twice about that, and it's not because I'm evil or anything, I just think sometimes, the problem is not in the church but within. And it's not their fault. Maybe it's ours for not being what they want us to be.

The spirit of contentment. To be content in acquisition but not aspiration. But I think there should be room to be content in who we are, who we look like. I'm comfortable being flat as an airport runway, or when I was 'chubs'. I'm content being in my small church congregation, always being challenged to grow in numbers and spiritually. But contentment can also breed stagnancy, if there's such a word. But i think this problem exists everywhere. Beyond our small congregation. We can never run away from problems.

I'm angry. Dissatisfied. Because I think I saw this coming. I think it could be handled better. You didn't even try. You could say you did, but I really don't think imposing our opinions on others count. Or being all high and mighty and making others feel like dirt counts. Pulling yourself away is not any better. You want to gain a perspective? Then please, get down and dirty in the situation before you pull yourself away.

I need sleep.