As she told me how it came to pass, it really struck me how much God uses time to show how silly the societal rule of 'I want this, right now' can be.

I'm really happy for you, babe. Truly, really. Not just him, but you as well, have shown me how to yield my life, my desire, my wishes to God, because nothing else and no one else can be yielded to to produce the same results.

And on top of it all, I see his and your love of God shine through, reflected in the love that you two show each other.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Cor 13:7

The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment.
I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Joshua Harris

Peace. I yearn for peace. It's funny how at hindsight, we see what we learn from moments in history, from our ordeals. Yet, at the present moment, it is hard, even impossible, to reconcile the pain and frustration with the future rewards. And maybe, knowing the future rewards doesn't bring you to the same destination as when you did not know and was just immersed in the moment.

Ah. My thoughts are haphazard.

Better get back to my readings. Much to complete.

If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it.

What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?

Mark 8:34-36

Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him 'Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

James 2:15-17

It's been a rough rough period for me. And there have been many times I thought I was close to losing it, just hanging by a bare thread, ready to snap at any time (and I did snap one time too many at those close to me. Sorry.)

I think there are a few out there praying for me, and for that, I'm grateful. I think that's what sustaining me. More and more though, I find myself gasping for breath, to find time for myself, to stop.

Stop.

Stop and just find myself again. I'm pulled in many different directions, and though I'm certain of the direction I want to head for, I seem to take the longest route to getting there.

So many questions in my mind that remain unanswered. And so little courage for me to voice them out. There's a fine line between being wise by being in denial, or by releasing an avalanche of unnecessary hurt, confusion and unpredictable consequences by confronting them.

Like a Greek tragedy unfolding, I feel like an actor putting on a mask, a mask of no expression. Because I cannot commit myself to feeling any emotion. They are too fleeting, too fickle. Yet, it's not as if I'm superficial when I laugh or cry. I want to dwell and really feel each emotion, but not get too carried away by them.

Like my professor said, I just want to incubate. Just sit and not be disturbed.

And be still. And know, He's in control.

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father You are King over the flood
I will be still
And know You are God.

Dissonance.


How can I stand by and watch? But I did.


Man. What does it mean to be a friend?.......

I just had an interesting discussion with my sister on friendships last night. Interestingly, we've been having a few experiences with friends that we have that seemed to coincidentally follow a pattern.

There are these friends who have played a little part in our lives but have been there for us for a long long time. And there are those who have played a big part of our lives for a little while, but fade away into oblivion. We tend to take for granted the former, but when they disappoint you, it hurts the most. But forgiveness comes instinctively (though not always easily) because you know they are friends worth keeping.

Someone once told me that interesting friends last only a while, because they will lose their 'interesting-ness' with time. It's a universal psychological phenomenon known as habituation. If my friendships were based on how interesting I find a person, I think I would have a new wave of friends every 2-3 months. And I thank God that I'm not the kind of person. I'm someone who needs to spend alot of time and effort (and also requires the other party to put in alot of time and effort) to be proper friends with. I think for all those who are close to me, you'll know what I mean.

Well, the conclusion me and my sister came to was that there are just some friends out there who have yet to stand the test of time, and hurtful as it is to us, we might lose these friends. But we're cool about it. Cos we know our friendship to each other and God will last a lifetime, cliche as it may sound.