little girl, Big World

Monday, June 19, 2006

Rainy days used to hold such comfort for me. I would dwell in the calmness before the storm, and soak in its atmoshpere pregnant with such expectancy.

Yet, these days, they only remind me of the perpetual rain that comesafter, and the dirty aftermath after the rain passes.

Maybe, not too long down the road, I would appreciate the sunshine, that creeps in slowly after the storm, and maybe even be blessed with a rainbow.

And then, the cycle will begin again.

I have been reading Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen. I must admit, it's not the easiest read, but it's striking how the characters, formulated so long ago, still relate to me now, centuries later. I think I oscillate between the two heroines of this book. Sometimes, I think like Elinor, and sometimes, I feel like Marianne. I initially started out relating completely to the Elinor who represents the 'sense' aspect, but more and more, I see the two sides residing within me, Marianne's 'sensibility'seems to allow her to experience more completely, although leaving her so vulnerable and making her appear so flighty.

I've always been quite an idealist, maybe sometimes bordering on impracticality. But it doesn't mean to say I'm not practical, I can acceptwhen people choose to do practical things, and heck, even I do practicalthings sometimes instead of stubbornly following my ideals. But it does leave me more cognitively dissonant, and also more prone to hurting. I guess my physical body reflects my mental health well. I bruise easily. heh.

I remember watching 'The Mexican' before I left for Canada on my exchange,under the urging of my friend who constantly rebukes my idealism and saysthat I'm too naive for my own good, and who keeps reminding me that I can'tsurvive in the world like that. He told me he likes the show a lot and thatwas surprising to me, because I like it a lot too. Maybe he likes it cos of the pretty Julia Roberts, but i know i like it because it touches certain ideals that I hold. The movie is also not any typical romantic comedy moviethat most people label as trashy. For a Hollywood movie, i think it achieves it's purpose of reflecting the balance of ideals in reality. And maybe, underneath all the cynicism, my friend does relate to those idealsto a certain extent. I find it even more so after what he shared with me after i returned to Singapore. We are but passengers on the same boat.

"Samantha [Roberts]: I have to ask you a question. It's a good one so think about it.
If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together,when do you get to that point of enough is enough?

Jerry [Pitt]: Never. "

"Samantha [Roberts]: Real emotion transcends language Jerry. You don't have to understand their words to feel their pain. "

--- Quotes from 'The Mexican'

But yeah, after all that's been said, a movie is still what it will always be, a movie. It's rare to find such stories in real life. I acknowledge that, but in the meantime i still clutch on to my ideals, and I know one day I'll find out whether it was worth all the while. Maybe it ends up that it won't be worth my time and cause me greater harm and pain but I take comfort that maybe then, I would have learnt for the better.

I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See a liar that burns within my needing.

How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I'd screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.
-- James Blunt, Tears and Rain


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