little girl, Big World

Monday, November 21, 2005

GENESIS: The Beginning of it all.

This is officially the first ever blog entry for my first ever blog! Hah. After all my dissent regarding posting personal stuff for everyone to see, I decided that this was the best way that people who are interested in what's generally happening in my life to find out. Especially since I'm leaving for Canada for exchange in about a month's time.

So why did I choose today, the 21st of Nov 2005, to start my blog? My cousin, Natalie, got married on the 19th of Nov 2005, at the age of 25 and had her wedding dinner on the 20th of Nov 2005, and my Grandmother passed away on the 15th of Nov 2005, cremated on the 20th of Nov 2005. AND. I had a paper due on the 21st Nov 2005, 12pm.

Basically, it has been a busy and emotionally draining ridethe past few days.

19th Nov 2005

In the end, I did play for the wedding, after all the hoo-ha about how I can't attend the ceremony in case the groom's family was not comfortable about the fact that my grandma passed away so recently. My parents did not attend, cos they had to participate in some rites. I did wear the dress Sister Grace gave me and it fit like a glove. Just that I couldn't eat much during the reception after the ceremony. ha. the things we do to look good.

When I was on the stage watching Natalie, someone whom I practically grew up with, been in the same church for 11 years, walk the aisle, emotions just overwhelmed me. Everyone was clapping as she walked side by side with her dad, and for that moment in time, I could almost say she couldn't be more joyful. To those who know what she had to go through to finally don her wedding gown and get where she was that day, everyone would agree that it was worth it. Vows were exchanged and when CK was allowed to kiss the bride, I could sense that he was holding back his tears of happiness.

My pastor, ever so down-to-earth, preached a sermon of sobering degree. And for that moment, it struck me what a big change it was to say that you''re 'married' as compared to saying you're 'attached.' Two becoming one, two ppl, of different backgrounds, habits saying that they want to spend EVERY SINGLE MOMENT of their lives from now on TOGETHER. It was not some on-the-spur-of-moment decision powered by passion, but one that required utmost commitment and agape love. They were to, from now on, look only to God and each other, and be a whole unit for Him. Wow.

On a lighter note, I took pictures with one of my favourite children from the sunday school. In fact, every child in sunday school is my favourite child. haha.

He's the most thoughtful boy I've ever met, and you can tell from the way i'm gripping him, I real excited to take a picture with him. heh. As a side note, I realized when i smile, my face looks really really oval. In my brother's words, FATS!!!! Well, anything is better than the 'shitface' he used to call me.

After that, I went to play DOTA with my cousins that came from Hong Kong specially for this occasion, and my other guy cousins. I played badly, as usual, haha. I need to train!! But no time lah, exams. Ryan and Jonathan joined us too. And after that, all of us squeezed into a cab (with my sis and my bro) to make it back for church service. I never realized how tired i was until I found my myself nodding off during the sermon and playing the wrong key for the offeratory hymn! eeks. embarrassing. and most certainly humbled. Not that i'm a good keyboardist to begin with.

After that, though we were supposed to go for dinner at Sheraton towers, me and my siblings decided to go home and rest. Watched Man U!!! YES LAHHHHHHHH. Ruud's back! No more KS king! He's now lobang king. haha. according to my bro. Rooney's exciting to watch once more. I'm just waiting for the return of the babyface assassin!

And after that, I tried to work on my 20page report. TRIED. and fell asleep trying. I think I work myself harder than I realize.

20th Nov 2005

The ultimate most tiring, emotional whirlwind of a day for me. Had to wake up early to try and finish up what i tried to do on sat night and went out at around 10 to participate in the last rites of my grandmother. Didn't feel very comfortable about it, because of my conflicting beliefs, but I know that respect and honoring my grandmother was what God expected of me. Went to eat at Bendeemer market, and finally satisfied my week long craving of tao suan. And I ate it together with porridge. YUM. there's no place like bang ga kah, as my mom calls it.

The last rite of the funeral. I've never felt more repulsed to see my uncle and his hypocritical children trying to look filial. If i ever have the time, and energy, I'll write this all down so that ppl and read the story of my grandmother, and how she was a victim of her culture. As i saw them do a million kowtows and offering incense to my grandmother, and a crowd gathering to watch (because they really did make a huge ruckus and paid alot of money for two bands, a troupe of cheerleaders lookalike and a band of cowboys lookalike, two bighead dolls and one loud-mouthed priest), I really felt like screaming to them 'What's the point of spending the money on this? When you did want to spend the money when my grandmother was alive? When it actually mattered the most??' Hmph. Such a joke, to see them acting pious and all. Ridiculous. I went through the motions, and never shed a tear. Partly because I knew that any tear I drop would only be of anger, at my uncle, my cousins and my grandmother.

But when it did come to the cremation, the closure of this long chapter in my life, did I shed my tears of sadness. Tears knowing that any time I did spend with my grandmother was never enough, and that she was not able to share the salvation that me and my family had. And that the times I did grow closer to her was never truly enough for her.

And after that, we rushed down to the wedding dinner at Shangri-La. It was a happy occasion to see all my cousins and church friends all dressed in their best. They played a video of the events leading up to the wedding and everyone witnessed the love that they shared. There will never be any prettier bride than one in love. Pictures will be posted later, when my sis comes back from her mission In Ban Chang.

Phew. alot to write for one post. but still insufficient to express all that's inside of me. For anyone who sees me, forgive me if I don't acknowledge you. I'm in auto-pilot mode.


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