little girl, Big World

2011-12-31T06:09:00.000-08:00

She walks tentatively toward the mirror. She gasps at what she sees. Where she saw perfection before, was replaced by jagged scars and exposed tissue. People who pass her by take the opportunity to take a jab at her - without a second glance, without sympathy. She cannot ward them off. There are too many, they are too overwhelming.

- abstract from some random story

I realize what is more paralyzing than fear is the lack of hope. What happens when there is nothing to look forward to? What do you hope for this year? Or rather, where does your hope lie?

2011-10-07T07:18:00.000-07:00

I saw an old lady carrying a heavy bag with her on the train today and reflected on how when I was in Primary School, I also carried a huge bag with me just so I wouldn't forget any textbooks or workbooks for the lessons that day. It was like an unspoken competition then to see who could bring the heaviest bag to school.

Then came secondary school and I remember trying to bring as little books as possible home, and left them in school, so that I could carry a lighter burden. It was the same in JC as well. And in university, I was grateful to have to carry nothing besides a pen and paper to take notes (or just a laptop).

Now at work, it seems the burdens have grown and I wonder whether I would also reach the same stage as this old lady, where I would be lugging a heavy burden with me.

It made me think about happiness and security. When was I most happy? When was I most secure?

I wish emotions could be easily compartmentalized. I wish my heart could be bigger so that it could hold more. But the sense of betrayal is overwhelming.

Such brilliant Oscar Winners. Would you celebrate short term goals or long term victories? In this case, it has already been won. So what now?

Let's say there was a little girl, and from the time she could understand, she was taught to fear... let's say she was taught to fear daylight. She was taught that it was her enemy, that it would hurt her. And then one sunny day, you ask her to go outside and play and she won't. You can't be angry at her can you? Estella, Great Expectations

2011-06-07T23:06:00.001-07:00

What a childish statment.

I think we are horrible judges at what we need and what we want. Often, we
think what we want is actually a need, and what actually is a need becomes
a want.

We take so many things for granted. Especially things we need. And I'm glad
that God made these things that we need inherently harder for us to
manipulate. Because given a choice, we would, to get things that we want.
Sometimes the desire of something we want clouds our sight on all other
things that we need.

I'm thankful my heart beats on it's own, without my need to intervene
directly, and my nose and lungs work together by themselves to fuel my
body.

I'm thankful that He sustains me, through countless ups and downs, through
darkness and loss.

These are what we need.

What makes it different from what we want?

We want more money, we want to feel comfortable, we want people not to
disappoint us, we want people to make us happy all the time, we want to be
better than others.

Sure, these things can relieve us. But for how long? They become a
relentless pursuit, a 'chasing after the wind.' When everything else fades
away, what is left? What do you place your hope in when everything else
fails you? Including yourself?

Ah. That's what carrot cake and coffee does to you.

I sit watching the world go by
Wondering when it is my turn?
I hold my breath, like punctuation, everything holds still.

I wait.

He approaches, extends a kind hand to me.
So does another. And another. And another.
I look at my own hands, and stretch them out.

Much better to give than to receive.

2011-05-15T07:30:00.000-07:00

Munching on muesli as I contemplate on the weeks that have passed.

"Families are God's miracles"

More and more, I see how this is true. It's not just the miraculous beauty of family relationships, family love and family support that rings true, although this should never be understated. But I see truth in this statement from the perspective that it requires certain supernatural or divine help for any family to stay together.

To find forgiveness for a family member or spouse who has done the most dastardly thing.

To find acceptance from a family member or spouse or self-acceptance from family who expect the world of you.

To accept a family member/spouse for who he or she is, knowing that they might never leave up to your expectations that only God can live up to.

Essentially, to love them unconditionally, without strings attached, without conditions of having them love you the same way back.

You don't choose your family members. We're just put together by the will of God. And I think that's what makes it so special.

And some may think that we choose our spouse. To a certain extent I agree. But I think the choice is more in the choice to love your spouse and not so much the choice of the person (although the latter choice is also important - I'm just saying that more emphasis should be placed on the learning to love your spouse part).

From the moment you said your vows and made this sacred covenant with him/her and God, you have set the rest of your life with him/her. To love, to comfort, to honor and keep him/her, in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him/her as long as you both shall live.

It's interesting how a church wedding (at least for the Anglican weddings I've seen) has a part where the congregation will be asked to uphold the couple in marriage. It's a powerful expression of how family does not hold itself together on its own, and God and His people play an important role to support families.

She couldn't have said it any better - in a sex-obsessed world [or insert any other expression you think of the world/society] today, it is increasingly difficult to maintain one's values and principles by sheer self-will power. What support do you have?

Oh! Finished half a box of muesli. Signal for me to stop and sleep.

2011-04-28T08:23:00.000-07:00

This is tragic.

Raising your voice theatrically, nitpicking and finding faults. That was not the purpose - Give an alternative. A workable alternative. Not just accenting your words with weird intonation.

Listening was a torture in itself. Watching was like Greek tragedy unfolding. Winced at every weird syllable uttered. Ouch.

The big HOW is left unanswered. Get your act together.

2011-02-02T22:06:00.000-08:00

Why does it feel like I've been given a stone and a snake?

Excerpt from 'Finding God in Unexpected Places'

Not so long ago I sat in a restaurant and listened to yet another variation on a familiar theme (referring to the Parable of the Prodigal Son). A good friend of mine whom I'll call Daniel confided that he had decided to leave his wife after fifteen years of marriage. He had met someone younger and prettier, someone who 'makes me feel alive, like I haven't felt in years.'

Daniel, a Christian, knew well the person and moral consequences of what he was about to do. His decision to leave would inflct permanent damage on his wife and three children. Even so, he said, the force pulling him toward the younger woman was too strong to resist.

I listened to his story with sadness and grief. Then, during the dessert course, he dropped the bombshell. 'The reason I wanted to see you tonight was to ask you a question. Do you think God can forgive something as awful as I am about to do?'

...

Here is what I told my friend Daniel, in a nutshell. 'Can God forgive you? Of course. Read your Bible. David, Peter, Paul - God builds his church on the backs of pepole who murder, commit adultery, deny him, and persecute his followers. But because of Christ, forgiveness is now our problem, not God's. What we have to go through to commit sin distances us from God - we change in the very act of rebellion - and this is no guarantee we will come back. You ask me about forgiveness now, but will you even want it later, especially if it involves repentance?"

Several months after our conversation, Daniel made his choice. I have yet to see any evidence of repentance. Now he tends to rationalize his decision as a way of escaping an unhappy marriage. He has rejected most of his Christian friends - 'Too narrow-minded,' he says - and looks instead for people who celebrate his newfound liberation.

To me though, Daniel does not seem very liberated. The price of his 'freedom' has meant turning his back on those who cared about him most. He also tells me God is not a part of his life right now. 'Maybe later,' he says.

...

As George MacDonald put it, we are condemned not for the wicked things we've done, but for not leaving them.

George MacDonald's got another great quote:
"Man finds it hard to get what he wants, because he does not want the best; God finds it hard to give, because He would give the best, and man will not take it."

It's like deja vu all over again.

Breathe, just breathe. And let it go.

2011-01-21T21:19:00.000-08:00

Heart is bursting at its seams.

Help overcome my unbelief.

I really love church weddings. Or particuarly, Anglican church weddings.

The bond and covenant of marriage was established by God in creation, and our Lord Jesus Christ adorned this manner of life by his presence and first miracle at a wedding in Cana of Galilee. It signifies to us the mystery of the union between Christ and his Church, and Holy Scripture commends it to be honored among all people.

The union of husband and wife in heart, body, and mind is intended by God for their mutual joy; for the help and comfort given one another in prosperity and adversity; and, when it is God's will, for the procreation of children and their nurture in the knowledge and love of the Lord. Therefore marriage is not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently, deliberately, and in accordance with the purposes for which it was instituted by God.

Reverently, deliberately and in accordance with the purposes for which it was instituted by God.

Alongside, and then as one.

It's such joy to witness such a grand occasion.

(Then why would you prefer to enjoy some activities with some others and not her? Why do you alienate her?) Hope I can mend this and heal.

2011-01-12T06:50:00.000-08:00

An accidental revelation, opening a hole that one keeps falling into.

It's like one step forward, two steps back.

You push it out of your mind, but it's like the pink elephant.

Don't think about it.

It's still there, gnawing, reminding you.

And the hole deepens.

FACE IT.

2011-01-06T12:44:00.000-08:00

I think we've been here before
I recognize this place
I've seen the marks of confusion wipe out a single sign of grace
I don't wanna play anymore, not when the stakes are so high
So before we circle round once more,
I'm gonna lay down, lay down my pride...
I like this Corrinne May song.

Don't go wasting your emotions
No one wins if we keep score...

A wintry cold pierces through. Despite the sunshine that seeks to give warmth.
Words fall like shattered icicles on a stone cold marble floor.

It means nothing.
But means everything.

Perceptions are a funny thing.
One man's poison is another's remedy.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

There resides a dark closet within everyone where skeletons hang.
And this dark recess grows when no one understands, or even tries to.

It's beautiful to find that release. Beautiful.

Beauty is seeing the sunlight dancing on a glistening lake, at peace with itself and its surroundings.
Beauty is seeing the awesome snowcapped mountains stretching to the skies and across horizons.
Beauty is hearing the roar of the waterfall crashing over a cliff and into a gentle serene stream.
Beauty is and can be alot of things.

But ugliness is not its opposite.
It is the opportunity for beauty to arise from it.

A potential.

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard

But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

2010-12-03T08:52:00.000-08:00

Saw an eccentric old man push past my brother today. No, more like poke past him.

He scurried along, with his backpack, as if in a hurry to somewhere.

It was such an oddity. Cos people his age are seen more commonly walking leisurely along the pavement, smelling the roses or something.

It struck me how loneliness is something that everyone has to deal with. Because I don't think we were made to stand isolated. And we find all means and ways to deal with it. To fill that void inside.

My 'help meet' - Help in times of desperate need.

I forget how easy it is to forget, and how easy it becomes to remember thereafter..

Just some thoughts before I crash.

2010-11-12T20:45:00.000-08:00

Like a doormat. Or the oxygen in the air.

You don't realize you need it until its gone. But in the first case, you might realize that you didn't need it in the first place.

1 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

Yeah. You are always right then. Just know that when you insist on your right, more often than not, you leave others with no room to insist on theirs.

2010-11-09T15:13:00.001-08:00

"So you say life is unfair
She's got everything you wanted
And you're not even close
To getting where you wish you could be
You want to get the commendation
Love and adulation
But you're stuck here on your knees

Are you happy, green eyed monster
Are you happy, with your place
What's the use of being haunted
Your story, for glory
Is right there in your face"

Green Eyed Monster Corrinne May

2010-11-05T19:45:00.000-07:00

Taken from 'Captivating'

To do any sort of justice to a book for women would require me to go deeper, listen even more carefully, study, delve into the mystery (okay – bloody mess) of a woman’s soul. Part of me just didn’t want to go there. I had what felt like an allergic reaction. Pull back. Withdraw.

I was keenly aware of this going on inside me, and I felt like a jerk. But I also knew enough about myself and about the battle for a woman’s heart that I needed to explore this ambivalence. What is this thing in me – and most men – that just doesn’t want to go deep into a woman’s world? You are too much. Too hard. It’s too much work. Men are simpler. Easier. And isn’t that just the message you’ve lived with all your life as a woman? “you’re too much, and not enough. You’re just not worth the effort.” (And why is it such an effort? There must be something wrong with you.”

Now part of a man’s fundamental reluctance to truly dive into the world of a woman comes from a man’s deepest fear, failure… He fears that having delved into his woman’s world, he won’t have what it takes to help her there. That is his sin. That is his cowardice. And because of her shame, most of the time a man gets away with it…

The effect is that most women feel alone.

Some of this is simply selfishness on the part of men. Lord knows men are selfish and self-centred. When Eve was first assaulted, Adam didn’t do jack squat. Men sin through violence and through passivity. It’s that plain and simple… and ugly.

But there is something else. There is something even more diabolical at work here…

Now, you must understand that each of these women have deep and meaningful relationships in their lives. I knew that if they feel alone, my God – what must every other woman feel as well? And this strong message of back off – if we feel that after years of fighting for them, what must all the other guys out there feel? I bet they haven’t ever identified it, or put words to it, but I’ll guarantee they’ve felt it… and probably just thought it was what they, or their woman, or both of them wanted…

Oh but you are alone. This is the way of the Evil One toward you. He plays upon a woman’s worst fear: Abandonment. He arranges for her to be abandoned, and he puts his spin on every event he can to make it seem like abandonment.

"I called,You answered
And you came to my rescue and I
Wanna be where You are..."

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." CS Lewis, The Four Loves

Like he would say, Well Said.

2010-11-03T07:08:00.000-07:00

It sure doesn't feel that way.

Haven't seen those 'no fear' shirts in a while. Out of fashion?

I feel that fear is under rated. People think that fear is what paralyzes you, stops you from doing what you want to do. But fear is also a learned wisdom. You don't have to be bitten by a snake umpteen times before you tell yourself to run when you see one. Or to be careful when you're beating it to pulp.

You don't neeed to wait until things go all wrong before you do something about it.

I've come to realize that you can't rationalize emotions away. Just have to deal with it.

2010-10-24T03:09:00.000-07:00

A reciprocated statment would have been nice. But I guess obligatory statements would have been meaningless anyway.

Observed a little boy plastering his face against the train window, staring in awe at the speed at which things were passing by the train. I looked around and saw everyone else absorbed in their mobile phones, papers, or just in their own daydreams and I wonder what happened to that 'little child' inside of us. What happened to our fascination of nature or the things around us?

Nature is primarily beautiful. It is not primarily functional.

Let that sink in a bit.

There is a school of thought in psychology which believes that the behavior of an individual is largely dependent on the development of the individual in his childhood. One activity that might shed some light on some of the defining moments that affect you is to think back on the earliest memory you had as a child.

I remember the fear that paralyzed me on my first day in school, when I had to buy something during recess. I felt as if everyone was staring at me, laughing at my inability to step forward or imagained them laughing at me if I couldn't pay for my food.

I think that there is a need for acceptance in everyone. And sometimes, this is masked by setting yourself up so that you don't place yourself in such a position to need to be accepted. It's like building a fortress around your heart to prevent it falling. So forgive her, because she can only cope that way.

'Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.' Proverbs 16:32

2010-10-13T06:26:00.001-07:00

As one of my favourite authors put it, I write not as someone knowledgeable or someone who has figured it all out, but I write as a pilgrim, where I would journey on to find answers to my questions, and where I hope to share this journey with others with the same questions.

I love reading stories. I'm not the best storyteller in the world, but I love to read stories.

From 'What so Amazing about Grace'

"Babette's Feast"

Karen Blixen, Danish by birth, married a baron and spent the years 1914-31 managing a coffee plantation in British East Africa. After a divorce she returned to Denmark and began writing in English under the pseudonym Isak Dinesen. One of her stories, "Babette's Feast," became a cult classic after being made into a movie in the 1980's.

Dinesen set her story in Norway, but the Danish filmmakers changed the location to an impoverished fishing village on the coast of Denmark, a town of muddy streets and thatched-roof hovels. In this grim setting, a white-bearded Dean led a group of worshipers in an austere Lutheran sect.

What few worldly pleasures could tempt a peasant in Norre Vosburg, this sect renounced. All wore black. Their diet consisted of boiled cod and a gruel made from boiling bread in water fortified with a splash of ale. On the Sabbath, the group met together and sang songs about "Jerusalem, my happy home, name ever dear to me." They had fixed their compasses on the New Jerusalem, with life on earth tolerated as a way to get there.

The old Dean, a widower, had two teenage daughters: Martine, named for Martin Luther, and Philippa, named for Luther's disciple Philip Melanchthon. Villagers used to attend the church just to feast their eyes on these two, whose radiant beauty could not be suppressed despite the sisters' best efforts.

Martine caught the eye of a dashing young cavalry officer. When she successfully resisted his advances -- after all, who would care for her aging father? -- he rode away to marry instead a lady-in-waiting to Queen Sophia.

Philippa possessed not only beauty but also the voice of a nightingale. When she sang about Jerusalem, shimmering visions of the heavenly city seemed to appear. And so it happened that Philippa made the acquaintance of the most famous operatic singer of the day, the Frenchman Achille Papin, who was spending some time on the coast for his health. As he walked the dirt paths of a backwater town, Papin heard to his astonishment a voice worthy of the Grand Opera of Paris.

Allow me to teach you to sing properly, he urged Philippa, and all of France will fall at your feet. Royalty will line up to meet you, and you will ride in a horse-drawn carriage to dine at the magnificent Cafe' Anglais. Flattered, Philippa consented to a few lessons, but only a few. Singing about love made her nervous, the flutterings she felt inside troubled her further, and when an aria from Don Giovanni ended with her being held in Papin's embrace, his lips brushing hers, she knew beyond doubt that these new pleasures must be renounced. Her father wrote a note declining all future lessons, and Achille Papin returned to Paris, as disconsolate as if he'd misplaced a winning lottery ticket.

Fifteen years passed, and much changed in the village. The two sisters, now middle-aged spinsters, had attempted to carry on the mission of their deceased father, but without his stern leadership the sect splintered badly. One Brother bore a grudge against another concerning some business matter. Rumors spread about a thirty-year-old sexual affair involving two of the members. A pair of old ladies had not spoken to each other for a decade. Although the sect still met on the Sabbath and sang the old hymns, only a handful bothered to attend, and the music had lost its luster. Despite all these problems, the Dean's two daughters remained faithful, organizing the services and boiling bread for the toothless elders of the village.

One night, a night too rainy for anyone to venture on the muddy streets, the sisters heard a heavy thump at the door. When they opened it, a woman collapsed in a swoon. They revived her only to find she spoke no Danish. She handed them a letter from Achille Papin. At the sight of his name Philippa's face flushed, and her hand trembled as she read the letter of introduction. The woman's name was Babette, and she had lost her husband and son during the civil war in France. Her life in danger, she had to flee, and Papin had found her passage on a ship in hopes that this village might show her mercy. "Babette can cook," the letter read.

The sisters had no money to pay Babette and felt it dubious about employing a maid in the first place. They distrusted her cooking -- didn't the French eat horses and frogs? But through gestures and pleading, Babette softened their hearts. She would do any chores in exchange for room and board.

For the next twelve years Babette worked for the sisters. The first time Martine showed her how to split a cod and cook the gruel, Babette's eyebrow shot upward and her nose wrinkled a little, but she never once questioned her assignments. She fed the poor people of the town and took over all house-keeping chores. She even helped with Sabbath services. Everyone had to agree that Babette brought new life to the stagnant community.

Since Babette never referred to her past life in France, it came as a great surprise to Martine and Philippa when one day, after twelve years, she received her very first letter. Babette read it, looked up to see the sisters staring at her, and announced matter-of-factly that a wonderful thing had happened to her. Each year a friend in Paris had renewed Babette's number in the French lottery. This year, her ticket had won. Ten thousand francs!

The sisters pressed Babette's hands in congratulations, but inwardly their hearts sank. They knew that soon Babette would be leaving.

As it happened, Babette's winning the lottery coincided with the very time the sisters were discussing a celebration to honor the hundredth anniversary of their father's birth. Babette came to them with a request. In twelve years I have asked nothing of you, she began. They nodded. But now I have a request: I would like to prepare the meal for the anniversary service. I would like to cook you a real French dinner.

Although the sisters had grave misgivings about this plan, Babette was certainly right that she had asked no favors in twelve years. What choice had they but to agree?

When the money arrived from France, Babette went away briefly to make arrangements for the dinner. Over the next few weeks after her return, the residents of Norre Vosburg were treated to one amazing sight after another as boats docked to unload provisions for Babette's kitchen. Workmen pushed wheelbarrows loaded with crates of small birds. Cases of champagne -- champagne! -- and wine soon followed. The entire head of a cow, fresh vegetables, truffles, pheasants, ham, strange creatures that lived in the sea, a huge tortoise still alive and moving his snakelike head from side to side -- all these ended up in the sisters' kitchen now firmly ruled by Babette.

Martine and Philippa, alarmed over this apparent witch's brew, explained their predicament to the members of the sect, now old and gray and only eleven in number. Everyone clucked in symphony. After some discussion they agreed to eat the French meal, withholding comment about it lest Babette get the wrong idea. Tongues were meant for praise and thanksgiving, not for indulging in exotic tastes.

It snowed on December 15, the day of the dinner, brightening the dull village with a gloss of white. The sisters were pleased to learn that an unexpected guest would join them: ninety-year-old Miss Loewenhielm would be escorted by her nephew, the cavalry officer who had courted Martine long ago, now a general serving in the royal palace.

Babette had somehow scrounged enough china and crystal, and had decorated the room with candles and evergreens. Her table looked lovely. When the meal began all the villagers remembered their agreement and sat mute, like turtles around a pond. Only the general remarked on the food and drink. "Amontillado!" he exclaimed when he raised the first glass. "And to the finest Amontillado that I have ever tasted." When he sipped the first spoonful of soup, the general could have sworn it was turtle soup, but how could such a thing be found on the coast of Jutland?

"Incredible!" said the general when he tasted the next course. "It is Blinis Demidoff!" All the other guests, their faces puckered with deep wrinkles, were eating the same rare delicacy without expression or comment. When the general rhapsodized about the champagne, a Veuve Cliquot 1860, Babette ordered her kitchen boy to keep the general's glass filled at all times. He alone seemed to appreciate what was set before him.

Although no one else spoke of the food or drink, gradually the banquet worked a magical effect on the churlish villagers. Their blood warmed. Their tongues loosened. They spoke of the old days when the Dean was alive and of Christmas the year the bay froze. The Brother who had cheated another on a business deal finally confessed, and the two women who had feuded found themselves conversing. A woman burped, and the Brother next to her said without thinking, "Hallelujah!"

The general, though, could speak of nothing but the meal. When the kitchen boy brought out the coup de grace, baby quail prepared en Sarcophage, the general exclaimed that he had seen such a dish in only one place in Europe, the famous Cafe' Anglais in Paris, the restaurant once renowned for it woman chef.

Heady with wine, his senses sated, unable to contain himself, the general rose to make a speech. "Mercy and truth, my friends, have met together," he began. "Righteousness and bliss shall kiss one another." And then the general had to pause, "for he was in the habit of forming his speeches with care, conscious of his purpose, but here, in the midst of the Dean's simple congregation, it was as if the whole figure of General Loewenhielm, his breast covered with decorations, were but a mouthpiece for a message which meant to be brought forth." The general's message was grace.

Although the Brothers and Sisters of the sect did not fully comprehend the general's speech, at that moment "the vain illusions of this earth had dissolved before their eyes like smoke, and they had seen the universe as it really is." The little company broke up and went outside into a town coated with glistening snow under a sky ablaze with stars.

"Babette's Feast" ends with two scenes. Outside, the old-timers join hands around the fountain and lustily sing the old songs of faith. It is a communion scene: Babette's feast opened the gate and grace stole in. They felt, adds Isak Dinesen, "as if they had indeed had their sins washed white as wool, and in this regained innocent attire were gamboling like little lambs."

The final scene takes place inside, in the wreck of a kitchen piled high with unwashed dishes, greasy pots, shells, carapaces, gristly bones, broken crates, vegetable trimmings, and empty bottles. Babette sits amid the mess, looking as wasted as the night she arrived twelve years before. Suddenly the sisters realize that, in accordance with the vow, no one has spoken to Babette of the dinner.

"It was quite a nice dinner, Babette," Martine says tentatively.

Babette seems far away. After a time she says to them, "I was once cook at the Cafe' Anglaise."

"We will all remember this evening when you have gone back to Paris, Babette," Martine adds, as if not hearing her.

Babette tells them that she will not be going back to Paris. All her friends and relatives there have been killed or imprisoned. And, of course, it would be expensive to return to Paris.

"But what about the ten thousand frands?" the sisters ask.

Then Babette drops the bombshell. She has spent her winnings, every last franc of the ten thousand she won, on the feast they have just devoured. Don't be shocked, she tells them. That is what a proper dinner for twelve costs at the Cafe' Anglais.

Babette's Feast is a story of grace: a gift that costs the giver everything and the recipient nothing.

2010-10-08T20:45:00.000-07:00

These few days have been quite intense.

Intense anticipation, waiting.
Intense aching, pain.
Intense stress, work.

I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep.

I miss being an egg head.

2010-09-20T08:53:00.000-07:00

It's like slowly seeing pieces of myself disappearing.

One by one, part by part. So inconspicuously. But yet when you finally see yourself in a mirror, a large part of you is gone.

And maybe because the parts that leave are small, so the person who takes them don't notice them too. Until he realizes that every small part he takes away adds on to the larger part that eventually wrenches the life out of her.

It's more blessed to give than to receive.

I haven't come to the higher level of appreciation of this.

Why am I such a dusty window, for Your light to shine through?
Why am just a tiny star, in a sky already blue?
Why do I offer everything, with my heart closed like a fist?
I wanna love You better than this...

Why do I live my life in chains, when You have set me free?
Why do I have to break Your heart before I fall to my knees?
I know it's time to change, give all I have to give
I wanna love You better than this..

2010-09-10T21:25:00.000-07:00

Freedom.

Some people perceive this to be doing all the things they want to do. Being un-free is to be bound by rules and regulations and not doing what I want to do. Therefore, those things that restrict me, kills my freedom.

But is it?

When you do what you want to do, and it hurts yourself, and hurts other people as well, and you find yourself unable to do other things you could have done, or could have wanted to do, is that freedom?

It's like a little child, finding herself in a playground, excited to try everything at it. Sliding, climbing, crawling, jumping, running... But if the parent lets her do everything she wants to do, the child might find herself in a wheelchair, paralyzed for the rest of her life, and not being able to enjoy the joy of walking along the street to shop, to skydive, to run to her parents to greet them when they return home.

Then begs the question, who knows better? The child or the parent? Does the parent know what's best? Or maybe a better question is, does the child know better?

Doing what we want to do might mean that we end up in more bondage than we begin. I see it so often - 'I have to take the drug. Nothing else matters.' 'I have to steal that purse. The craving is too strong.' Now, who is the one who is free, and who is in bondage?

There exists an interesting paradox between freedom and rules.

2010-08-28T23:42:00.001-07:00

I can still remember her kindly face, and her encouraging words. Like a soothing balm on a searingly painful wound.

It gave me the strength to pick myself up, to carry on. To fall again and again, and not lose hope.

How far have we fallen.

Now those words cannot be found, and what stands in its place are criticisms that etch ugly scars upon those that bear it.

What then is the purpose of those words? One to build up, one to tear down?

"can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?"

So easy to destruct, but infinitely more difficult to construct.

Maybe before you say a word, examine the purpose for it. Because however I see it, I cannot find the constructiveness in it all.

Only God can judge.

2010-08-14T00:47:00.001-07:00

I was destined to love You
I was bound adore You
Purposed to need you
Certain to want
Designed to pursue You with praise
I was destined to love You.

Avalon, Destined

2010-08-13T17:55:00.000-07:00

I often think about that boy
When I'm feeling small
And I worry that the work I do means nothing at all

Every single tear I cry is a diamond in His Hands
Every door that slams in my face I'll offer up in prayer

So I'll give every breath that I have
You can work miracles, all you need is my 'Amen'

So take my five koaves and two fishes
Do with it as You will
I surrender
Take my fears, my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
I hope it's not too small...

2010-08-10T07:08:00.000-07:00

A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

(seasons come and go, and come back again. Deceivingly predictable, but yet each time they return, they are not the same as before)

2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Nostalgia isn't the right word to use. I'm not longing for something that is past; I'm contemplating the countless possibilities of what could have happened, at the different points of time in my life. Decisions I've made, or not made, that allowed myself to be where I am now.

This is important. To look back and remember where you were, how you were, and to see where you are at now.

Sometimes, things that were left undone, words that were left unsaid, brings about a great injustice; but bringing them out now would do nothing to resolve the injustice, and might only serve to destroy whatever good that might have come out of it.

So people remain seen in the light of misjudgement - perhaps never stepping out of the idea people have of him/her.

"what's the most resilient parasite? An idea. A single idea from the human mind can build cities. An idea can transform the world and rewrite all the rules" - Inception

I've done enough reflecting tonight.

2010-07-14T07:29:00.000-07:00

All of these stones in my pocket
My dreams that crashed on the shore
Faith when I thought I lost it
I lay it all at Your door

I bring it to You
There's wonder in all that You do
I bring You the scraps that make up my soul
You make me whole, I'm gold
I bring it to You

The feeling of being inadequate is like a parasite. Slowly creeping, chewing, gnawing, so insignificant at first - yet so persistent, and so deadly.

I've learnt that you cannot make it through this life alone. And you cannot do it without hope for a future. How do you know whether what you are doing is worth it? How do you measure worth if there was no comparison? And how can there be any comparison if there was no belief there is something better or worse? (I'm thinking in circles. Must be the lack of sleep.)

Excerpts from my reflections of today:
He never turned a leper away, and in fact drew near to them, and His power transformed and healed them. We should also adopt the same attitude as Him.

Christ-likeness. This is a timely reminder that we should emulate Christ's behaviour. We should treat everyone with love, even if the person doesn't deserve it, even if we dislike everything the person does. This is a high call, we tend to only treat ppl we like with love. But He goes beyond that, and tells us that we have to repay evil with good. Just as He gave up His life, His majesty, to save those that spurned Him with sin, and those that did not even know they needed to be saved.

But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God.

1 Peter 2:20

2010-03-16T06:31:00.000-07:00

It surprised me a bit to find myself reacting so strongly to those words.

I could not fathom how such obnoxious statements could be uttered. Or maybe I was not as surprised as I should have been, because it sits in nicely with my understanding of him.

I start to wonder whether this lowly view extends to people of great faith, people who have rendered a great service to the world, and to God. Or whether he thinks so highly of himself that such works are filth to him. On what basis does he have thoughts, I wonder.

"The first will be last, and the last will be first."

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

"And now, who has won? Fool, did you think that by all this you will save the human traitor?...Understand that you have given me Narnia forever, you have lost your own life and you have not saved his. In that knowledge, despair and die." The White Witch, from The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

Don't even start to compare, because there is no comparison. If nothing was too lowly, too unworthy for him, then nothing should be for me.

Less than the least of all mercies.

2010-02-20T20:56:00.000-08:00

Disappointment is such an intense feeling.

Feels like someone gutted me in. It's like someone placed me on a pedestal of hope only for me to find that there is none, and I fall from the heights of expectation.

But it's alright. At least I'm on solid ground now.

Slow dancing in a burning room

It's not a silly little moment
It's a storm before the calm

Such hot weather today! Crazy.

2010-02-09T19:50:00.000-08:00

Retrospect

The everyday workings of life has me spending more time looking at the present, than looking back or forward.

Reading back on some of my posts, I can't believe that I was able to write like that! Nowadays, I write like a tape recorder (because that's exactly what I'm supposed to do). How .. ... BORING. Keep it simple, concise = write like a robot. But I must admit, it is a skill. So many people write in such a convulated manner it's difficult to even decipher what the main point is! And when speed is of the essence, it's most frustrating having to read stuff like that.

But don't get me wrong, I like my job. But I'm also pulled in many different directions on where to go next. Do I continue to plod on? Isn't this just a small step in the larger picture? Or is this small step one that would change the entire picture? Or is it both?

Sometimes, it's easier not to think too much about things. Thinking stalls action.

But I tend to disagree with that more than I agree, because thinking allows for more self-understanding, more purpose, more direction. And more self-discovery. A robot could just do without thinking.

I'm glad I took the half day off. More time to think. More time to organize.

Scones with butter and jam are excellent complements to a lazy wednesday.

Life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button...
Anna Nalick

2009-10-20T06:55:00.001-07:00

9 Crimes

Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you
It's the wrong time
For somebody new
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse

Is that alright?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
If u don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright...
With you?
- Damien Rice, 9 Crimes

Still trying to figure out what this song means. But it's nice.

2009-10-17T07:58:00.000-07:00

Reflecting is a vital part of any purpose making one may have in life. It is easy to get wrapped up in the cycle of doing things as part of a routine, and forgetting the greater purpose that one may serve in the larger scheme of things.

I wonder how much time i have spent reflecting like this for a long long time.

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

It's almost an onimous sign. Is it so difficult?

Yes. It is. It breaks my heart. My very core of my soul.

But isn't this what it is about? Sacrifice? So much has been done for me. It's time for me to do the same for others. It's not that I need to 'payback' or get retribution. I'm doing it against the very intuition, desire and hope that I have. The few things that keep me breathing and feeling alive. I can see why they say love is tough. It's like the pouring out of one's soul, putting it at the very risk of someone abusing it, breaking it, trampling on it, belittling it.

I really don't mean to sound so.... down? But I'm not. I'm just reflecting.

Those who are thristy, come to me and drink.

2009-10-15T14:02:00.000-07:00

It's like my feet knows exactly where to take me, even my head cannot conjure the images that I lost 3 years ago.

I wouldn't call it a pilgramage although it does feel like there needed to be some closure, or some consolation from this journey. It's like so much has changed and so much hasn't. I find comfort in the things that stayed the same, and I found beauty in the things that didn't. Random images come to my mind and I come to realize that maybe my memory isn't as good as I thought it to be. Or maybe I just wasn't trying hard enough.

"City lights shine down upon the place that I call home
Surrounded by a million but I feel like I'm alone
And I might be a nobody to you
But if I'm playing, would you listen?"

The stinging cold winds on my face, the 'wrong' side of traffic, the mere insignificance of my existence around those I pass by, was this what's left behind?

But I am content.

It struck me how Law cannot save.
No one does everything right.
No one.

How can you call yourself merciful and loving if you tie strings to the forgiveness given?

No.

Someone asked me, how can you love your children equally if one child is always doing wrong things and breaking your heart?

Then what is the point of love? Is it to be earned? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of it all? Because no one can earn enough.

The point of Love is exactly that we will not be able to earn it, and yet we are still shown love.

I'm glad I came. It's good therapy.

2009-03-05T04:46:00.000-08:00

A walking contradiction, ignorance is bliss.

The beginnings of complacency is the end of understanding.

If forgiveness is not extended, not explicated, not offered, then the person at fault is condemned to a downward spiral of shame, guilt and unforgiveness for the self.

That is why I believe. It's the only thing that brings us hope.

2009-01-29T04:23:00.000-08:00

You see things differently at different phases of your life.

It has become quite clear to me at this point, why they always say that being a child equates to being care free, to being without worries. Being a child again means mostly good things to most.

But a child worries too. She worries whether she will get to play after she finishes her homework. She worries whether she will get the toy she always wanted for her birthday this year.

These matters seem so minute juxtaposed against the worries of whether one can save enough for retirement, whether one can survive the economic downturn, whether one can find the meaning in life.

But a child also worries whether her parents and her friends will love her.

And in the midst of our adults' concerns, I feel that this represents a fundamental, human need that everyone feels.

It seems to always come back to this: LOVE. The most complicated four letter I feel exists in any human language. (Of course, in every human language, it may not always be a four letter word)

But beneath that lies something more fundamental... something more that caused the stone tablet to crack that fateful night to break the curse of the world.

I miss writing like this.

2008-05-27T16:42:00.000-07:00

Sheesh. With bad english to boot.

It amazes me how much immaturity can show through times of adversity. But everyone has their own way of coping. Can't blame you.

2008-04-09T21:01:00.000-07:00

You can call me whatever you want, but you remain a coward if you never want to speak to me about it.

What a hypocrite. And no, I'm not afraid to call you that because I have witnessed what you do and what you say.

But that's all I will do. Because I know that if I build on this bitterness, it can only turn inward and harden myself. I will let it go.

Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

2008-04-05T10:05:00.000-07:00

The story of the 2 copper coins.

Subtly referenced, and so apt to the situation.

It begins once they step foot into the place.

It's been a long time since I blogged. Hmmmm.

2008-01-21T04:27:00.000-08:00

Over.

One phase of my life I will always remember. The friends, the trainers, the joy, the pain, the heartbreaks, the aches, the sores, the tears, the perspiration.

What follows now is the reality, the practical part of it.

I've said what I could have said. But just know that it's not easy for me. Because I have to take a stand. And that stand means sacrifice.

"If anyone were to follow me, he should deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it. But whoever loses his life for me, will find it. What good is it for a man to gain the world but lose his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?"

For all it's worth.

2007-11-27T07:51:00.000-08:00

What keeps you through rough times? What gets you past problems?

Where does your hope lie in? When you meet a crisis? How do you know that it will get better? How do you know that whatever you're putting yourself through is worth it?

Is it knowing that your family will be there? Or your special person in your life is by your side? Or the vague knowledge that things will always turn out okay?

Hope is so important. To know and place your faith in a hope that will get you through is even more important. When you lose hope, you lose sight of what your purpose is in the first place, and you're anchorless, subject to the whims and fancies of your surroundings.

Place your hope on something or someone who is worth it.

I've found my hope. Have you?

Did you know that 4 years from the time I met you, you were leaving? Did that thought ever cross your mind? Would anything have been different?

It's frightful to know that no one really knows when the end of the road comes. That's why hope must sustain us through to beyond the journey.

Hope.

2007-11-26T04:33:00.000-08:00

Look up at the starlit sky. If 5 stars were to fizzle out, who would notice?

But think again.

Consider that any one of the stars you see in the sky tonight is a star like our sun, holding, influencing, moving 9 or more planets like Earth around it, giving them warmth, granting them night and day, providing them a point of reference. Then to these planets, the star is everything, the star made all the difference, and the loss of the star will be noticed, if not sorely missed.

When things are reduced to it's most abstract, it usually easy to brush away. But this time, it's personal.

I was one of your planets, Reuben. Distant, but still affected in little ways from the time I knew you.

Did you know? For me, you signified passion, determination, focus and drive. Where I taught, you inspired. Where ever you went, they noticed. I cannot even begin to fathom the loss your family and close ones feel at this moment.

The picture did you no wrong because that was exactly what you would have been doing. You seemed to transcend the normal goings of life, and focused on your strengths and self-belief. I have never met a more self-assured individual who never reeked any arrogance or hostility.

In so many ways, you have remained the same as I remembered you. Spontaneous, playful, disciplined. But in the time that I've not contacted you, you have acheived more than I could have thought of. But that was not unexpected. I had only good hopes and faith that you would get somewhere. Because you're just you.

And I weep because I would have loved to see so much more of you. So much more of what you could have done. So much more that I and the rest of the world could have known about you. But all this recognition comes to naught when death knocks at our door.

When it comes to life and death, perspectives always get shaken, and jolted out of what is usually taken for granted. I know if I told you what a great person you are, it might not have prevented anything like this from happening, but I would know that you would have appreciated it, and I would have no regrets.

The world has lost a light, but I know that the kingdom of God has gained an angel.

And till we meet again, I will cling on to the heaven-inspired pieces you have composed, the lovely pictures of you in my memory, and the friends that you have left behind.

For now, just let me grieve.

2007-11-17T16:31:00.000-08:00

I'm like a plaster.

Go figure.

2007-11-12T05:25:00.000-08:00

FALLING.

I've had a great fear of falling. I say had, because today I proved to myself that falling isn't that bad.

Not as bad as having aching limbs and bruises all over my rear.

Breaking fall is the bad part. My arms are numb, my thighs are weak. My rear hurts and my hamstring is busted.

Beat that.

2007-11-10T07:25:00.000-08:00

Remember the height from which you have fallen.

It really puts whatever that's been said to bad light when we see what is happening right now. Emotions can be swayed, devotions can be torn. Like I've said before, emotions are fickle. That's why we can't count on it. Not too much at least.

Go beyond giving your feelings lip service. No wonder He says that faith needs to be worked out. It's not about how you feel. It's all about what you believe in.

I guess then, you never really believed in the first place. Maybe you were trying to ease your conscience?

It's sad, really. To see this falling away. It's not giving proper respect, proper reverence, proper love.

Maybe you should reflect on your life.

2007-11-02T04:20:00.000-07:00

It appears to me that the best moments are the shortest ones. Those that may not appear significant, but only upon hindsight do we find the precious pearl within.

But those moments that last for eternity matter the most. These are the moments where tenacity, resilience and perseverence are tested, when love is grown, nurtured, and built upon.

I seek to find myself, dig deeper within, but I can only see worthlessness and shallow lies.

That's why I'm sure I don't live for myself, or anyone else. But only for Him.

It is in the lowest valley where I collect myself again.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."
- Moulin Rouge

2007-10-13T09:44:00.000-07:00

Time of reacquainting, of times past and times lost.

My friend made a comment tonight which I took for more than what he meant.

"There's too much of less in this world"

It struck me nonetheless, in both sense of the phrase.

I think I tend to read too much into things. And that puts me in a position where I'm always second guessing one's actions.

The sum of the parts is sometimes greater than the whole. The whole is sometimes greater than the sum of parts. Is there a difference?

When familiarity is reduced to alienation, I can't help but think I've read too much.

Often, we look at what the person does but not what the person is.

Such is life. Where one circle ends, another begins. We find ourselves sometimes back where we started, or where we thought we started. And we hope that we can grow.

Old habits die hard. Some choices we make are irrversible. They say that we can't change the past, but we can try to change the future. But the past has shaped us thus far. And sometimes, it's out of our control what we want or can do. Or is it?

The night draws to a close, but the thoughts in my mind linger on....

2007-09-29T09:34:00.001-07:00

Feel out of touch with my reality. Feel like I'm reduced to going through certian motions, as if I was going round in circles, not finding myself going anywhere, but yet not where I started from. I'm changed, bit by bit, but unaware of what actually is changing.

I bleed, from where you pierced me,
From all the cracks that revealed themselves slowly
Formed by the illusion of hope, of expectations.
What you offered me, decaying to cold, cruel detachment,
Twisting my naive mind to knots of hurt and confusion.
Regrets come too late, tears come too fast.

Words fail me.

Disappointment chokes me.

Scram. Leave. Go. Before I lose control.

2007-09-15T06:28:00.000-07:00

A Side Note

To ease your guilt stricken conscience

Years of friendship, doesn't she mean more than that?

Obligation, Duty, Responsibility.

Ultimately, it boils down to priorities.

We tend to take the things we value most for granted, ironically.

They always say that doing the right thing is not easy. Because even after you do it, the murmurs of dissent that follow it is not right. We struggle daily to do what is right. And I think that the action of what is right is not enough. The heart and mind must be one.

sigh. I hate conjunctivitis. HEAL FASTER!!!!!!!!!! WEAK. Boo.

2007-09-01T07:06:00.000-07:00

Solace: Escape.

She stands erect on the bridge, transfixed.
By the hypnoptic blurring of headlights beneath.

Perplexed at the complex entanglement of fate.
Breathe.
In.
Out.
And in again.

She reaches out a hand and grasps the air.
Hoping to hang on to something that defines the moment.
So fleeting, so precious.
Every second that passes,
irreversible.

The elusive purpose of life.
When lives collide,
the flash of brilliance.
The eruption of colour.
She looks, but she doesn't see.

Her face burns, not from tears.
Overwhelming pain paralyzes.
Gasping.
She collapses, shattering to infinte pieces.
Yearning, desperately searching for that healing touch.

It has gone.

2007-08-19T00:00:00.000-07:00

Mistaken.

Stereotyping has taken a new meaning for me. When you call someone gossipy, what comes to your mind? How bout a joker? Or a nerd? Or a slacker?

Certain traits attached to the label are generalized to the person identified as that. I think it deindividualizes the person, as much as it helps in the cognitive encoding of social information of the person. And if you are not aware of it, you run the risk of not understanding the person fully, if not at all.

It's not fair, it's not right. When you look at her and label her that. It's even worse when the traits you have about the stereotype are mostly negative. You've shattered her heart and her trust in you. There was no need for it, no need for such utter tactlessness. Because in doing so, you place yourself in the position I would call arrogance. Pure arrogance to think that you know the person well enough to judge. Give her a break. She is as human as anyone of us.

2007-07-28T18:16:00.001-07:00

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard...

2007-07-19T14:52:00.000-07:00

it's been some time since I felt such a moment, a pregnant pause in the air, before the dawn of some revelation, when you knew for sure that something, someone, will be affected.

'You had your fun, your pleasure. But who bears the consequence of your behavior? It's not just you, you know. It's your mother-in-law, who looks after your post-stroke husband. It's your CHILDREN. Who wish they had their mother with them, thinking their mother is in the hospital, waiting and praying for her return. Don't punish them just cause of your impulse to do something for yourself. 8 months old. and missing the attachment and love of his mother at such a critical age."

I wished I had opened my mouth.

"Don't you understand? How much grace you have received thus far? That you can still have a husband, three beautiful children, a forgiving mother-in-law? You get your fifth chance when you step out this year. Don't say there's no second chance when you squander it like a hormone raging teenage girl."

Some days your own resolve is strong
But others day you bend

It's two steps forward, one step back
And you wonder now and then..

You wonder if you'll ever really make a difference
You pray everyday, but I know that prayer will be fulfilled...

Your life, woven day by day
Is a new design, of the glory God displays
On the canvas of creation
Through the poem of history
In the pattern of redemption
Running through the tapestry
Your life in Christ can be The greatest story ever told......

2007-07-14T06:54:00.000-07:00

The power of imagination.

Taken from an anonymous girl's diary:

"... I see how it would be like in two, five and even ten years' time. I see myself with him, in wedded bliss and with two children, and still so deeply in love. I see myself as a mother, a wife, a friend, a soulmate.... then *poof* I see myself alone, nursing a broken heart, shattered from my fantasies, because he was never in the picture in the first place. How do you break up when he was not mine to begin with?"

ouch. Poor girl.

2007-07-13T10:40:00.000-07:00

Obligation. Is when initial passion deteriorates to fake concern and interest, and when the fickle mind or conscience prevents you from being who you are. It cheats people of who you truly are and gives them a false hope and impression that you are more noble, more caring than you are. It is the insulting status that you unconsciously place your friends at, and which the conscious friend will hurt at realization.

Don't be obliged to do anything. Not even to friends. It's not worth it cos it hurts the person more than it hurts you.

And sometimes, the hurt becomes a grudge and it never turns back from there.

2007-07-06T07:59:00.000-07:00

Spaced out.

I was walking around town like a zombie for about 5h today. It's never happened before. I just walked blankly by people and shops and occasionally just sat down to stare.

Many things to do, many things left undone.

2007-07-05T22:41:00.000-07:00

Picking Cherry Tomatoes

At Nami Island (Where Winter sonata was filmed). Beautiful Island, but obviously not winter time. But beautiful nonetheless. I can understand why it's easier to fall in love on this island.

Traditional Wedding Ceremony, with me and Daffy as bridesmaid. Though Daffy insisted on being the wedded couple. haha.

Sleeping on the floor. Love it.

Us with the village chief who coordinated the wedding ceremony.

Korean Calligraphy. Man. It's harder than Chinese Calligraphy. I was drawing circles and squares.

Q-ha and his friends! So nice to have met up with them. Such a fun loving bunch. Drink too much and smoke too much. Heh.

Been a while since I blogged photos. So in an attempt to make my blog seem more friendly, I've posted photos of my korea trip!

Still get affected somehow. After 3 years. Deep wounds are hard to heal. And when the face that repulses you the most happens to be the one you see in the mirror, you question your worth. And try so hard to prove it to others. It's a spiral downwards, hardening yourself on the outside, leaving your insides weak and trembling. Wish the courage can be found within to just speak out so you may understand. People deserve better. And usually do find it.

2007-07-03T09:46:00.000-07:00

At the same place, at a different time, yet faced with the same issues and uncertainty as I did before. Do I take a step back? Do I have a choice in the first place? Can I bear to let it go? I know I can survive. But life is not just about surviving. Life is about living, and bearing God’s grace through all the troubles trusting that He knows what’s best for me. What’s best for the extension of His kingdom. And that might involve me making some choices now that will resonate through my lifetime. I can pull through, but the manner by which that happens might not be the best testimony.

It’s not about me anymore. Paradoxically, that is what is best for me. To remove myself and whatever I want from the centre of my life. I gave it up 2 years ago, gave it up one year ago, and now it seems I have to give it up again. Haven’t I grown or learnt? Why does it keep happening? Maybe it’s a sign for me to do what I should have done a long time ago. Maybe other signs have been telling me that but I just refused to believe it.

Obedience and sacrifice. The former usually involves the latter. Do I make that choice? Do I take the jump?

Disclaimer: This was written while suffering from a writer’s block in the birth of a 2 page essay I’m supposed to finish. All the stamina in writing I gained in my last semester of study all down the drain. BUCK UP KAILIN.

You think that I wanna run and hide
I'll keep it all locked up inside
I just want you to find me...

I'm not lost, I'm not lost,
Just undiscovered
We're never alone we're all the same as each other
You see the look that's on my face You might think I'm out of place
I'm not lost, no no,
Just undiscovered...

--> James Morrison, Undiscovered

2007-06-25T15:35:00.000-07:00

It Begins.

A new beginning of a somewhat not-so-new phase of my life. Breathe, just breathe.

2007-06-24T20:34:00.000-07:00

I hate repeating myself. But there are somethings that just occur over and over again that run along the same lines that I can't help but wonder whether it is something inherent in me that makes it this way. That's why my friends ask me all the time why my blog is so hard to read. Well, this was supposed to have been a platform on which I upload photos :S

My life is not mine. Being a friend of convenience. Don't say thank you or you enjoyed yourself when all I was doing was filling up your time, I don't think that's right.

Sometimes, I feel like a rug that people step on and for that instant, feel good but immediately forget about it once they walk past. And honestly, I don't mind. At least I have been useful for that little while.

I'm so afraid of falling. Yet too proud to use help that will help me from falling. Ice-skating. I remember just refusing to use any aids and spent my time trying to figure out how to 'walk' on ice as if I was skating. Silly dodo.

I'm so afraid of getting hurt. I can deal with physical pain. I always have bruises and cuts and blisters. But emotionally, I'm a coward. (And in case you were wondering, no, i don't inflict physical pain on myself when I feel emotional pain, so don't worry).

Sis, thank you for being there. I think you're the reason why I don't have that many girl friends around me. And the reason why i can still remain normal even though I don't have so many friends.

I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal
Myself and I
We got some straightening out to do

2007-06-03T18:51:00.000-07:00

In less than 12h time, I'll be headed off to Korea. And in less than 12h time, a good friend and colleague of mine will be headed home. It all feels so surreal. Reminds me so much of the time I spent in Canada when I was going to head home after 6months. A certain disconnect with reality, or rather, a certain refusal to take in the reality.

I'm done with my work at that hellhole. I'm done with my studies at the university. I'll be done with my grad trip in one week's time. And it'll all begin on the 25th of June. Doubts creep into my mind on whether I'll meet up with expectations there. I'll try my very best.

4th June. Bittersweet. Things will be a bit different from now onwards.

2007-05-31T17:35:00.000-07:00

Farewell, goodbye.

The tears I would have shed for you have run dry, leaving only that vague memory of pity and sadness. Don't consider what would have been or what should have been because where you have found yourself today was your own doing. I don't even think I can feel sorry for you anymore, because I know that it's always by choice that one finds oneself in the circumstance.

I've done what I can and only hope that some where in the distant future, when you have sobered up and purged yourself of the poison, that you will understand what purpose you have in your life.

or maybe, I'm the one who needs to sober up?

2007-05-27T03:28:00.000-07:00

A matter of Convenience

My sister once pondered over the concept of friends being people who just mutually take advantage of each other. I didn't like the sound of that but thinking about it, I've come to conclude that I probably am a friend of convenience. Maybe that's why I rarely have friends whom I can recognize as having followed me through a long period of time.

I think people see me as a friend for the moment. Or maybe I make myself to be that way. I have friends who come up to me to 'fill in' their time. Or when they need financial help. Or when they cannot find anyone else to meet. Or to fill up the numbers. It hurts, but I think I've more or less gotten used to it.

It's telling in one's actions to see whom they feel closer to by observing who they gravitate towards. When there's a dissonance between words and action, I go for the action first. Action speaks louder than words. It's not what they say, but what they don't say. So please don't humour me. It only serves to bring more pain. Don't say thank you just cos I'm filling in the space. I don't think that's right.

2007-05-17T09:10:00.000-07:00

"The biggest difference I can see is that city people always think that this year has got to be better than last year. If they don't get a raise, acquire something new, or find themselves somehow better off, they think they're failures. Farm folks look at things a bit differently. We know there are going to be good years and bad years. We can't control the weather. We can't prevent a bad crop. We can't control sickness So you learn just to work hard and make up your mind to take what comes."

--> Terry Muck

2007-05-12T11:04:00.000-07:00

Wow. It's been more than a month since I last posted. My final final exams are over, and I'm now slogging myself half to death in some thing everyone sees as unnecessary and uncalled for. Well, that's me I guess. So stubborn I rather try till I die before I admit defeat. In one month's time, i'll be bound to Korea, and I'm still looking at whether i can do a solo trip somewhere in the world. Just me, myself, alone. Ah. Brilliant.

It hurts. Really does. Because memories don't fade into oblivion so quickly. Especially those that you ruminate over and over again in your mind. Those that you have thought about so many times, you probably would have distorted and exaggerated them whilst replaying them in your head. Sometimes, we add too much significance to an ordinary event, that we blow things out of proportion. Or maybe it's more accurate to say that I do that. That pang of sadness and regret is so familiar to me. The cringe of 'I-should-have-known-better.'

It's ironic how women are so insecure, no matter how much on the surface they seem so confident, and so high up there. It doesn't seem too long ago he told me she felt insecure and I just couldn't believe it. She had no need to. She was eloquent, fashionable, big-hearted, creative, and just plain sophisticated. I've always thought I paled in comparison, always felt like the dirty-faced clumsy tomboy next to her.

Problems, problems, problems. When does one decide it's time to move on? When will it be fair to others? Leaving to me always felt like a sign of giving up. But no, it can be a way of moving on. How do we tell the difference? I think the consequences of them leaving is more than they grasp, and its irresponsible. When is it their selfish desire speaking and when is it God's? I don't know. Truly, who am i to judge? We wish them well? I have to think twice about that, and it's not because I'm evil or anything, I just think sometimes, the problem is not in the church but within. And it's not their fault. Maybe it's ours for not being what they want us to be.

The spirit of contentment. To be content in acquisition but not aspiration. But I think there should be room to be content in who we are, who we look like. I'm comfortable being flat as an airport runway, or when I was 'chubs'. I'm content being in my small church congregation, always being challenged to grow in numbers and spiritually. But contentment can also breed stagnancy, if there's such a word. But i think this problem exists everywhere. Beyond our small congregation. We can never run away from problems.

I'm angry. Dissatisfied. Because I think I saw this coming. I think it could be handled better. You didn't even try. You could say you did, but I really don't think imposing our opinions on others count. Or being all high and mighty and making others feel like dirt counts. Pulling yourself away is not any better. You want to gain a perspective? Then please, get down and dirty in the situation before you pull yourself away.

I need sleep.

2007-04-09T10:20:00.001-07:00

My friend Kailin, she hates me.
The most out of everything she can see.
She wants to wring my neck.
Give my head an almighty thwack.
Always wants to give me a piece of her mind.
All because i try to help her unwind.
Oh well, what can i say?
Piss her off and there's hell to pay.

--> Twinkle Toes

2007-04-03T08:12:00.000-07:00

There are some things that happen in your life which you question why they happen. Some of them fix themselves up in time, while some of them haunt you every single day of your life, because they bear a lifetime long of consequence.

Maybe it's God's way of telling me that I cannot do it on my own. That if I did try to make it on my own, my world will spiral inwards and I would sink into self-denial or depression.

I'm disappointed. At how it has turned out and how it will be like in the future. But I know this doesn't make me less of a person, or less of God's child. But knowing does not equate to believing. I bother too much about what people think. I should care about what the people I love think.

Almost done with one 5000 word paper. ALMOST. But not quite there yet. Come on Kailin. You can do it.

2007-03-31T19:51:00.000-07:00

It's been quite some time since I wrote something.. On this blog at least. I've been so caught up churning out words for my insane papers this term that I can't really muster the brain juices to blog much..

But that doesn't mean nothing's been happening. If anything, I feel more overwhelmed by the demands in my life.. When this is all over, I'm going to look back and wonder whether all this happened in such a short space of time.. Or maybe like most memories I have, they will slowly fade away into oblivion.

I have some plans in mind for the time after I graduate before I enter the workforce. But like they say, these plans will not come into fruitation unless God approves of it. So we'll see where that will lead us.

I have two more papers to finish writing... each 5000 words! Gotta push on................

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness..

2007-02-22T09:21:00.000-08:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
---> Marianne Williamson, Our Deepest Fear

Interesting quote. Still trying to grapple with what it is trying to convey. There are parts of it that resound in me, yet other parts that i hesitate to agree with.

But taken from the movie Coach Carter, it seemed to perfectly define and grasp the essence of the story for Cruz.

Hmm. In thinking mode.

2007-02-22T00:47:00.000-08:00

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

---> Rascal Flatts, Bless the Broken Road

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down

Let the rain come down

---> Blue October, Into the Ocean

2007-01-26T07:37:00.000-08:00

As she told me how it came to pass, it really struck me how much God uses time to show how silly the societal rule of 'I want this, right now' can be.

I'm really happy for you, babe. Truly, really. Not just him, but you as well, have shown me how to yield my life, my desire, my wishes to God, because nothing else and no one else can be yielded to to produce the same results.

And on top of it all, I see his and your love of God shine through, reflected in the love that you two show each other.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Cor 13:7

The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment.
I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Joshua Harris

Peace. I yearn for peace. It's funny how at hindsight, we see what we learn from moments in history, from our ordeals. Yet, at the present moment, it is hard, even impossible, to reconcile the pain and frustration with the future rewards. And maybe, knowing the future rewards doesn't bring you to the same destination as when you did not know and was just immersed in the moment.

Ah. My thoughts are haphazard.

Better get back to my readings. Much to complete.

2007-01-17T07:54:00.000-08:00

If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it.

What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?

Mark 8:34-36

Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him 'Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

James 2:15-17

It's been a rough rough period for me. And there have been many times I thought I was close to losing it, just hanging by a bare thread, ready to snap at any time (and I did snap one time too many at those close to me. Sorry.)

I think there are a few out there praying for me, and for that, I'm grateful. I think that's what sustaining me. More and more though, I find myself gasping for breath, to find time for myself, to stop.

Stop.

Stop and just find myself again. I'm pulled in many different directions, and though I'm certain of the direction I want to head for, I seem to take the longest route to getting there.

So many questions in my mind that remain unanswered. And so little courage for me to voice them out. There's a fine line between being wise by being in denial, or by releasing an avalanche of unnecessary hurt, confusion and unpredictable consequences by confronting them.

Like a Greek tragedy unfolding, I feel like an actor putting on a mask, a mask of no expression. Because I cannot commit myself to feeling any emotion. They are too fleeting, too fickle. Yet, it's not as if I'm superficial when I laugh or cry. I want to dwell and really feel each emotion, but not get too carried away by them.

Like my professor said, I just want to incubate. Just sit and not be disturbed.

And be still. And know, He's in control.

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father You are King over the flood
I will be still
And know You are God.

2007-01-14T19:30:00.000-08:00

Dissonance.

How can I stand by and watch? But I did.

Man. What does it mean to be a friend?.......

2007-01-06T18:01:00.000-08:00

I just had an interesting discussion with my sister on friendships last night. Interestingly, we've been having a few experiences with friends that we have that seemed to coincidentally follow a pattern.

There are these friends who have played a little part in our lives but have been there for us for a long long time. And there are those who have played a big part of our lives for a little while, but fade away into oblivion. We tend to take for granted the former, but when they disappoint you, it hurts the most. But forgiveness comes instinctively (though not always easily) because you know they are friends worth keeping.

Someone once told me that interesting friends last only a while, because they will lose their 'interesting-ness' with time. It's a universal psychological phenomenon known as habituation. If my friendships were based on how interesting I find a person, I think I would have a new wave of friends every 2-3 months. And I thank God that I'm not the kind of person. I'm someone who needs to spend alot of time and effort (and also requires the other party to put in alot of time and effort) to be proper friends with. I think for all those who are close to me, you'll know what I mean.

Well, the conclusion me and my sister came to was that there are just some friends out there who have yet to stand the test of time, and hurtful as it is to us, we might lose these friends. But we're cool about it. Cos we know our friendship to each other and God will last a lifetime, cliche as it may sound.

2006-12-29T19:49:00.000-08:00

Pui. Seems like the hurdles I must cross are endless. One thing surfaces and before I can react to it, another looms. It's nuts really.

I don't remember having to face so many challenges at one go (or maybe it's just that I have bad memory?) And I keep thinking to myself, is it something I'm doing wrong? Maybe I should have done something better previously so that I would not have ended up in this state. But honestly, I don't see any way else to handle it.

S*** happens I guess. It just seems to happen more now than ever. Feel like my head is underwater and my body is in slow motion. Having a chesty cough doesn't help either.

I just wanna scream. Go somewhere quiet and just scream my lungs out. And after that, I just wanna cry. Weep until there are to tears left and then maybe I can start facing what I need to face.

2006-12-19T08:29:00.000-08:00

More than ever, I'm missing my time at SEP. I guess expectations have a lot to do with that.

Those times spent at the servery doing MJ, settlers online, Cranium, Scattergory, XMen with Walter, Marvin, Tony, Colin, Special J, Ratman, Greg, Chris, Anita, Pierre, Daffy (in no particular order) were just unbeatable. Really, it's not the quantity but quality of time spent together that counts. I can't explain it. Everything appears more fun just cause you guys were part of it.

Man, getting all nostalgic. Must be the dreary weather here. Or the fact that it's been almost one year since I set foot on the land where these amazing people are part of.

There are some friends that I've grown to expect much of, and many more that have caused much disappointment and hurt because of my idealistic beliefs. And some would have thought that I've learnt my lesson. But I know being superficial is not me.

The Holiday is a feel good movie. Certain parts of it really resound within me. Can't find many quotes from the movie but i really like the context from which this quote that I could find came out of.

"Iris: It seems I had it all wrong. It turns out you'll go somewhere new and meet people who make you feel worthwhile again."

Talk about random. My thoughts are haphazard.

And to the persons I know wouldn't read this: I really thought better of you, really envisioned something different. It hurts for the moment but I know I'll survive. And I promise that this won't make me bitter or trust others less.

2006-12-16T19:17:00.000-08:00

Haven't updated in a while and much has happened since the last time...

Well, two exams on my birthday wasn't as bad as I expected thanks to all the nice well wishes I got on my birthday :) I'm continually amazed at how important friends are in one's life.

After my exams, I was on an emotional rollercoaster, facing quite big stresses at work and also disappointments with my friends. I've come to really appreciate the fact that one cannot help everyone. So we need to prioritize. We need to see what is truly important and once we can manage that then can we help others...

And just within 4 days after my last exam, I was whisked off to Bangkok! Frankly, I didn't like the city at all. I'm not a huge shopping fan (but given how cheap the things were in Bangkok, you're allowed to go crazy once in a while) and food wasn't superb either. But the company was brilliant. Thanks to my sis who kept my sanity and the other three guys who kept me on the brink of insanity. haha. I think my tolerance for crap has seriously increased tenfold after enduring this trip with you guys.

And last night, I went to hear Corrinne May live. For those of you who don't know who she is, man, you don't know what you're missing! Her voice is enchanting and enthralling to say the least, and her personality I give her 110%. She was so nice to EVERYONE who stayed back to get her autograph. Waiting 2h in line is nothing compared to the personalized treatment she gave to everyone and her nice demeanor, even having met 1001 people before you and probably having heard the same things said to her each time.

Note: Tickets to her concert were soldout before the flyers of publicity ever came out. Anyone who wants to be educated on her songs, get her CD!!

Needless to say, I got a nicely autographed (Thanks to Abel) CD and this CD (Thanks to Mar Vin) will stay in my CD player for a long long time. I'm really looking forward to her next album (Next summer!!) she sang two songs that she newly wrote: On the Way and Five Loaves & Two Fishes. And this song 'In the bleak mid-winter'

What can I give him
Poor as I am
If I were a shelter
I would bring a lamb
If I were a wise man
I would do my part

What can I give him
Give my heart

The reason for Christmas has never been more salient. Some winter day over 2000 years ago, all of heaven kissed the face of the earth, a miracle of love, God became man.

"Why lies He in such mean estate
Where ox and ass are feeding?
Good Christians, fear, for sinners here
The silent Word is pleading
Nails, spear, shall pierce Him through
The cross be borne for me, for you
Hail, Hail the Word made flesh
The Babe, the Son of Mary"
--> What Child is This?

2006-12-04T20:50:00.000-08:00

Sisters by chance, Friends by choice

Got my first birthday present! :) Sisters know best indeed. She read my mind. Sweet!

2006-12-04T08:48:00.000-08:00

I hope the days come easy and moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything...

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
All the ones who love you, and the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and always give more than you take.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too
Yeah, this, is my wish.
--> Rascal Flatts, My Wish

Heard this song over the radio and I immediately knew that this was the guy who sang the song 'Life is a Highway' which is another one of my favorite songs now (thanks obba!) It's lovely and I really wanna share this with all my friends and cheesy as it may sound, this is my wish to all of you this Christmas and for every other day of your lives.

2006-11-30T19:57:00.000-08:00

SIGH. When other people have finished their exams, I just started mine. I'm just glad I'm not the only one in this situation.

Well, one down and three more to go. I didnt' think I did justice to the exam today. But just to comfort myself a bit, I wrote whatever I could think of at that point of time. I wasn't sure what the examiner was looking for (but then again, I never really got her in the first place). She made the study of this field of psychology that I thought was interesting and exciting initially, to be quite tedious at the end. But no complaints. I cannot excuse my lack of enthusiasm on others.

Back to books. Just needed to rant.

2006-11-27T18:54:00.000-08:00

Each person's experience is unique to him/herself. There's no way you can truly empathize with them or truly understand them for that matter.

There's always a danger in saying 'I totally understand how you feel, I know you completely' and then go on to impose what you THINK he/she is experiencing on him/her.

The bottomline for me is: Always protect the feelings of the person you are helping, work only for the person's best interests. And this might mean learning to give up because you know you are not the best person in the situation for him/her.

I remember distinctly what Dr. Kristin Trotter shared with the class as if it was yesterday. Her blue eyes intense, yet so compelling and warm at the same time, staring into everyone else's in class. She said "The client fired me. And it was the correct choice. I wasn't in the right place to help her." So much confidence and yet so much humility just to admit that. It's amazing.

So unless I'm arrogant enough to think I'm the best person for the other, I should not force it upon others to think that way.

Just some random thoughts after studying for my module.. Exams are looming. And I'm less than halfway through my revision. Not cool.

2006-11-21T02:04:00.000-08:00

Things are always not what they seem, and even more so people.

You may find some thing so beautiful on the outside, yet discover that its insides are rotting away.

Maybe it's precisely for this reason that these people require a beautiful facade to convince themselves, and others that they are okay.

No, I'm not bitter or anything. Just dumbfounded. Dumbfounded at the ludicrity of it all. Can one be so blinded by the thoughtless pursuit of the superficial?

It's so disappointing. The cycle goes on. From parent to child. From child to grandchild. So viscious. Just like you.

It always hurts more when it's someone you thought you could trust.

So I'm going to prove you wrong. Pui.

2006-11-07T17:32:00.000-08:00

My hectic semester is almost over. Just one more paper, one more quiz and one last set of exams!

Having two exams on my birthday is quite a downer, but I know I'll pull through.

Memories of skiing/toboganning have resurfaced after my luging experience at Sentosa. It was too short a track I felt, but I was glad I could ride the skyride up. It reminded me SO MUCH of the times me and Anita went up the ski slope to ski down O Keefe or Humpty Dumpty. And the slope where we both fell and just couldn't stop laughing about it. Ahhhhh. Good times.

But the reality of the present is sobering. I lost one of my church friends just last night. She was old, and led a blessed life, and my regret was that I didn't keep my promise of playing mahjong with her. My heart goes out to her son and his wife, whom has always been enouraging and sweet to me in church. A loved one lost is really a big thing to deal with. I just pray that this will pull them toward God and not away.

2006-10-31T01:21:00.000-08:00

A million snowflakes gently fall
Yet no two are the same
The colors fill the canvas of the seasons as they change
And everywhere i look i see Your hand
Why You would love someone like me, i’ll never understand
And i’m amazed, i’m so amazed

How great You are, how small i am
How awesome is Your mighty hand
And i am captured by the wonder of it all
And i will offer all my praise, with all my heart, for all my days
How great You are...

2006-10-27T22:44:00.000-07:00

Plugged In, Plugged Out.

I want to look to see,
Hear to listen,
Touch to feel,
And with all three,
To learn.

Behind every face you see, is a story, a life, unfolding, or waiting to unfold.

Where do I begin? Sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed by things that are happening around me, things I wanna do, people that I meet, people I wanna meet.

I think that sometimes, the responsibility that I place on my shoulders is too much to take. That's not to say that I'm a highly responsible person (I have my lazy moments, too many in fact) but I think it's time I manage these responsibilities properly and efficiently.

Brain going into overdrive.

2006-10-25T01:13:00.000-07:00

CMI. Was it necessary? Pui.

2006-10-24T19:34:00.000-07:00

Ordinary

Sad the way we always seem to pass by one another
Hiding, so afraid of the things we might discover
Caught up in a moment that only you can live in
You never know who's giving the air that you might breathe in

If you would get to know me
Maybe you would love me
I'm so ordinary...
--> Saving Jane

Don't make me out to be someone that I'm not. I've always been this way but it seems that you have made me out to be someone else all this while. And now when you have seen a glimpse of me, you force me back into the 'me' that you have always seen me as. I'm sorry, I don't think I can do that.

2006-10-22T23:15:00.000-07:00

...... you branded her a liar and a cheat, yet never gave her any chance to explain herself to you....

... don't make yourself out to be 'holier-than-thou.' It disgusts me to the bone and makes me think twice to tell people about my faith. Come to think about it, you have been like that ever since I met you. And you would think that someone your age would actually know better and would be more mature. You're almost my mother's age for crying out loud...

... Pray about it? Did you? When you chose to hurt her so deep that you left no room for these hurts to heal? I think it can only be summed up in one word 'cruel.' Yes. That is in essence what you did to her. You stripped her of her dignity, and sent her fragile self-ego crumbling to nothing. Why boast of your child's thoughtfulness to other people when it doesn't seem to have been inherited from you? Come to think of it, I'm starting to feel a bit sorry for you...

... I don't think it is a coincidence that your 'calling' has come to such a state now. People who have initially shared the same vision as you have all left unhappily, leaving only you to see this vision through alone. Maybe it's time you considered that too? Instead of pretending that you are the only ones doing right, evaluate what it is you, yes. YOU, are doing wrong...

... and yet in all this, I want to forgive. So that when I do meet you on the street, I don't find myself compelled to do something that will reduce me to your unscrupulous and unforgiving level. Yes. You were unscrupulous and forgiving, because I fail to see how you showed love and forgiveness in your actions. If only my conscience would allow me, harsher words would escape my mouth in my description of you..

Ah. Release.

2006-10-17T04:43:00.000-07:00

A Pharisee

9 To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable: 10 "Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men--robbers, evildoers, adulterers--or even like this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.' 13 "But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.' 14 "I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

Luke 18:9-14 [emphasis own]

This sounds all too familiar. Since Sunday School, I've always learnt that Pharisees were bad people. But, I've come to realize that they are just like everyone else, fallible to self-pride and self-righteousness.

I'm sure every Christian has come through this phase, where they think that as long as they are better than the person next to them, they are 'good Christians.' They think, 'Look! I spend my time reading the bible, I kneel down to pray and worship. I tithe and give offering regularly. I'm not like the others.'

This is the kind of thinking that divides the church. WWJD indeed. I'm sure that Jesus would have done all of the above, keeping himself holy and pure before the Lord. But I'm also sure that Jesus wouldn't have used it to point to Himself, but to our Father. He wouldn't have tried to cause division in His church, let alone others' families by judging the people around with self-righteousness.

Once again, why look at the sawdust in your brother's eyes, when there is a log in ours?

Side note: Judging does not bring about understanding, acceptance or change. It only serves to hurt and strain relationships. If we truly believe in WWJD, then we would not bring people down with harsh criticism and judgement, but build them up with love.

2006-10-13T17:19:00.000-07:00

I will remember you,
Will you remember me?
Don't let your love pass you by,
Weep not for the memories....

...

I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over,
Will it be yes, or will it be... sorry?

2006-10-08T19:34:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday my friend,
Here's to all the [times] we've shared together
All the fun we've had

You're such a blessing
Such a joy in my life
May the good Lord bless you
May all your dreams come true....

2006-10-08T19:32:00.000-07:00

I bring You the scraps of my soul
You make me gold
I'm whole...

2006-10-06T18:17:00.000-07:00

I'm so Happy for you...

I could cry.
Yeah I'm so elated,
Cross my heart and hope to die...

--> Saving Jane, Happy

...And as she cries herself to sleep each night, she comes to realize that the many faces that she's wearing washes away, and she stands before herself, trembling, vulnerable and naked.

Shes sees the scars that she has tried for so long to hide, still raw and ugly on her skin. Her body has wasted away under the armour she had used to protect herself, and what remains is just her skin wrapped around a skeletal frame. She stares herself in the mirror, and what meets her eyes is a reflection so far removed from the person she wants to be, from the person people have come to see her to be.

A pair of sunken eyes stare back at her, submerged in a pool of hurt and disappointment, jaded by meaningless acheivements over the years. She collapses to my knees, overwhelmed by sorrow of what is left of her.

No. No one must know her in this state. It would horrify them. No one should see her like this. She feebly plucked herself up and started to rebuild that armour once more. Helplessly picking up the broken pieces of what she had for so long identified with, although knowing that it would bring no comfort, only slight relief from present agony.

Then she felt a warm presence in the cold, dark room, warming her trembling body. She was not alone. She swivelled around and gasped. Standing there was a person, immersed in a brilliance. It wasn't a brilliance that was dazzling, or one that blinded people and made them turn away. It seemed to be softened by the person, making it more inviting. It aroused curiosity, but was not neccesarily seductive. In fact, it seemed to promise more pain if she were to approach it.

She shrunk away, trying to hide her nakedness, while scrambling to gather the pieces she had collected. She noticed that the person did not retreat, nor step towards her.

Just three words. Three words were enough to send her into complete oblivion. For her to drop the shattered remains of herself, to step into the unknown, to believe again.

"I love you."

It was enough. And more than sufficient.

2006-10-02T03:09:00.000-07:00

I think I've finally gotten it. Man. I must be the most retarded person around. Takes me so long to get things.

It's time for me to practise what I preach. To walk the talk. Because that's what counts. I can say a million things that make sense and a million other things that I hope helps others, but when it comes down to crunch time, I MUST DO IT.

Why complain about love turning selfish in others when that is exactly what is happening to me? Why point out the sawdust in my brother's eyes when I have a plank in mine?

Why talk about how good the definition of love is in the bible when I don't do it? Faith without works is dead.

Why tell others that patience is good and believe that even if I don't get what I want, it doesn't matter when I don't show it in my actions?

I will love even if it kills me. I will act out and do what He wants me to even if it kills me.

Am I ready to die for Christ today?? (heehee. Private joke with my sister)

Honestly I'm not sure, but I'm working towards being sure, at least.

And when I start, I no longer live for myself. It has never been about me.

I want to be a better person. Because the love I've seen and witnessed and experienced demands nothing less from me.

To all those who love me, I thank you for showing me how to live my life.

2006-10-02T00:02:00.000-07:00

From one to the other, and from me back to you

Thanks sis. You're one of the reasons why I'm sure of God's grace to me.

2006-10-01T23:07:00.000-07:00

And if all else fails...

Smile

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrows
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile..

This is what happens when you're listening to music for 14h straight. Songs just come to mind and it's like you're living in a huge musical.

Smile therapy. I think I'm famous for that. hah.

2006-10-01T22:33:00.000-07:00

In 2003/4 (can't remember which) Tim Hughes wrote the song 'Here I am to Worship' which won worship song of the year (or some award that isn't significant to me, because it's the essence of the song that counts)

In his recent album, his song 'When Tears Fall' touched me, not because of what it means to every hurt, disappointed or suffering Christian out there, but what it means to me through these past 2 years. It's a song that teaches me that no matter how clouded my vision is of the future, no matter how hard it is to see God right now through my circumstances, my soul still praises Him.

Not because of who I am and what I'm going through, but because, and only because, of who He is. His being demands it.

Not that He is some ego-centric God who wants to hear His name being praised, but because it is in our souls to stand in awe of our Creator.

When Paul and Silas were in chains in prison, they sang. I don't think it was easy, but they still sang. There's something healing about singing praises to Him and times of difficulty that our soul takes comfort in. So I will sing.

Take heart. He understands.

He gave up His riches, His glory, His status, His power, to become one of us.

To become an extremely vulnerable baby, a boy undergoing puberty, a man sent to the worst form of criminal punishment known to man at that time. He understands.

Every heartbreak, every disappointment, every pain, every hurt.

'How great the pain of searing loss, the Father turns His face away" [taken from 'How Deep the Father's Love for us', another brilliant brilliant hymn I love]

Searing - to burn, to scar

I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, i have known pain
but theres one thing, that i'll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You're true

When hope is lost, i'll call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, i'll call You Healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

In the lone hour, of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me, and sustain me
My Defender, forever more

When hope is lost, i'll call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, i'll call You Healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

I will praise You, I will praise You
When the tears fall, still I will sing to You
Ii will praise You, Jesus praise You
Through the suffering still I will sing....

--> Tim Hughes, When Tears Fall

2006-10-01T20:30:00.000-07:00

Did you ever talk to God above?

Tell him that you need a friend to love?

Pray in Jesus' name believing that God answers prayers?

.....

Did you tell Him all your cares and woes?

Every tiny little fear he knows

You can pray that He will always hear and He will answer prayer.

.....

You can whisper in a crowd to Him

You can cry when you're alone to Him

You don't have to pray out loud to Him, He knows your thoughts

On a lofty mountain peak He's there

In a meadow by a stream He's there

Anywhere on earth you go

He's been there from the start.

He answered my prayers! And I give thanks for that.

"Seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added unto you"
Matthew 6

2006-10-01T20:12:00.000-07:00

For me, It's you

If I ever find truth I'm gonna let you know
If I ever find faith I'm gonna sit in every bit of its afterglow
If I ever find a way to bring love here today
You better bet your life that this is what I'll say
Give it if you've got it
Get it if you don't

Take my hand in the meantime
And let's walk into the sunshine
Everybody got something that they want to sing about, laugh about, cry about
It's true

For me it's you
--> Train

This song is just stuck in my head..

Well they say that love is in the air, never is it clear,
Try to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
When this isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be
--> Sheryl Crow and Sting

Thanks.

2006-09-20T01:11:00.000-07:00

A Thousand Different Ways.

I got the album!!!

We are in this life together
Even when one moves without the other

Different pages from the same story

This aching is familiar
It's something I remember

We can't touch without feeling
Can't heal without healing

Only the young can fall so hard
Could be so careless and ignore the scars

So we will move out of the way this time
Making room for each other

One without the other

We are broken
But we are moving still.

A thousand different ways
-Erin Taylor

2006-09-19T17:33:00.000-07:00

http://soundcheck.walmart.com/clayaiken.html

AHHHH I want the new Clay Aiken CD.

His voice is just so... PURE. NICE.

2006-09-19T00:58:00.000-07:00

Farewell...

A big thank you to friends who showed concern for me :) Especially Youwei and Saranya. You guys are just brilliant. I feel very loved just knowing that you guys are my friends.

Man. Just another three days!!! For those who know me, you know what I'm talking about. I think I really need this.

A random realization: I feel like I'm getting to know myself a bit better when I meet different people. But it's those people whom I keep close to me that defines who I am at times.

2006-09-12T02:37:00.000-07:00

When all that remains are shattered pieces of your self-image, shards of your soul that you thought you knew inside out, and a disappointment so achingly painful because you realize that the only person that you have failed is yourself, what happens then?

The process of finding onself may begin with losing yourself first.

You can only be saved if you know that you need help.

Like Peter, I ask 'To whom shall I go?"

2006-09-12T00:47:00.000-07:00

So utterly disappointed at myself. I think it all boils down to my insecure self. The need to prove something about myself.

But i must understand, there's nothing there to be proven. I am who I am. Why can't I just be comfortable with that?